Disruptions & Respite

Still no updates on the children we've submitted requests on; however, there is an unavoidable and unfortunate reason. Bert's been working with a couple of disruption situations, which is really really tough. A disruption is when a child has been adopted and, through no fault of the family's (either the behavior had been hidden or the child hasn't done these things before), end up being too difficult to handle and so the family has to back out, or "disrupt", the adoption. It's not something that's ever done lightly, and in most cases I've heard of it's due to an older child who starts acting in ways that are dangerous to other children in the home. I'm sure there are other reasons as well, but it's heartbreaking for everyone involved. While I'm frustrated with the slow pace on our behalf I have to think of these kids Bert's been dealing with the last couple of weeks, who have been through so much personal trauma that they intentionally create unmanageable family life in their adoptive homes, and the families who have been taken unaware and are having to make some pretty horrible decisions and deal with some pretty horrible repercussions.


There are also situations in which a newly adopted or foster child takes more to parent than the family expected, and so (like any new parent) they could occasionally use a break to get some rest or clean the house or whatever. Bert called this morning to broach the idea of us providing respite care for local Bethany families, at least until we find our own child. Basically, this is babysitting... the children are already adopted, but have issues that we've already been trained in through our foster/adoption sessions. Respite can be anywhere from a one time gig of a couple of hours, or it could be a weekend every so often... but anything longer than one weekend is considered foster care, so it'd be filed differently... and we're not going that route.

On the risk side, we'd have a possibly high-maintenance child we've never met living in our home for an hour or a weekend or anything in between, which is pretty much the definition of foster care (though that can run longer). Plus, we'd need to finish buying the furniture for the back bedroom.

On the benefits side, unlike foster care, these kids are already adopted so we wouldn't get emotionally attached to the possibility that they could be our children. We can always say no at any time, we state how much time we can take them for and what kind of problems we're willing to have in our home, we would get a first-hand look at the experiences of children coming from the system, and the "parenting" experience would be added to our adoption file to help bulk out the resume (so to speak). It's basically a cross between babysitting and an unpaid internship. We'd also get to know other local Bethany families, which is cool. And we'd be better care for the child than just a babysitter because we're trained for many potential behaviors, and we have no other children in the home which gives the child one-on-one attention that they desperately need and no one else to harm if they act out with younger children (unfortunately common in some situations). So it'd be beneficial to us, the child, and the child's adoptive family, in more ways than one.

We haven't sat down to talk about it yet; though I think I know what I'd like to do, it's obviously something that we both have to talk through and agree upon. It's entirely up to us, but Bert would like not only an answer to the question but also a brief summary of how we come to our answer. I think it's part of her need to get to know more about how we think and process things, perhaps a brief social-worker test on communication? In any case, it helps her to help us choose our own child when she knows more about us. But considering how often Lanse and I finish each other's sentences or converse with "You know, the thing..." "Oh yeah, with the whatsit...", I think summarizing it will be the hardest part of the process, whatever decision we make!

Prayer requests:
Pray for these two children who may be leaving their adoptive homes, their families, and for Bert trying to juggle all these different situations for everybody's best interest.

Pray for clear communication and wisdom as we talk and decide on whether or not we're open to providing respite care.

Pray that if we feel God lead us to open our home for respite care, He will provide funds or furniture and supplies in a very obvious way that points it towards that purpose.

Pray that God continues to reassure us that He's got things on track for the placement of our own child, and that He'll grant us patience in the meantime.

End of August

When you've been, in a way, commissioned to find a child through the means we have, including weekly (or more, as the spirit leads) perusals through the entire list in my last post, you find your strength and emotional level both flow somewhat like a roller coaster. One day I wake up with amazing motivation, the desire to Get Stuff Done plows me right into the heart of the photolistings for hours on end. After a while it slows to where I'll idly load up the national listings or regional exchange sites while chatting with my husband or watching a show. And then I wake up the next morning suddenly overwhelmed with the realization that after all that work we still have nothing to show for it, and I just can not do this right now. But that's okay. I don't have to. The pressure is self-applied, so it's entirely up to me if I take a vacation.

So right now, aside from a request on two kids early last week, I'm on (the hopefully tail end of) a so far two week vacation. Vacations should probably be brief, as the kind of children we're searching for are only listed momentarily and we don't want to miss any opportunities. I've just touched base with Bert in hopes of good news; while there really wasn't any with her, I did hear that the siblings I wrote of at the beginning of the month had to postpone their meeting with the family member until the beginning of September, so they're still not making any decisions for them yet. More waiting. But the news came from my direct contact with the children's agency person, who seemed quite excited that I found it worthwhile to follow up and encouraged me to do so as often as I'd like. Building personal connections appears to be quite a lot of what it's about.

I'm getting nervous about the amount of time I've spent away from the photolistings, but also recognize that it'll do more damage in the long run if I burn out. I'm marking the upcoming long weekend as a goal date to take at least one more spin through each of those listings, preferably two; tonight and probably next Thursday as Wednesday seems to be a pretty common "update the website" day for the exchanges. My school classes begin again after Labor Day, so hopefully I can maintain some kind of homework/photolisting/everything else schedule through the next semester. I value any and all prayers for motivation and energy!

Photolistings

I'm going to put these links here so that I know where they are. If any adopting families are reading this, feel free to use them.

My social worker pointed us to Comeunity.org for their comprehensive list of photolistings. However, a lot of the links were broken, so I did some Googling to update stuff. This is my current list of state-specific websites; if a state does not have a link it means I could not track down anything through their DSS page.

All state's kids are listed at AdoptUSKids.org, but if a state has an asterisk* it means their DSS page links directly there.

The List - States are linked, URL listed to show you where you're going.

*Alabama
Alaska http://www.nwae.org/wait-aka.html
Arizona http://www.aask-az.org/mediagallery/index.html
Arkansas http://www.arkansas.gov/dhs/adoption/adoption.html
California http://www.cakidsconnection.com/FindChild.php
*Colorado http://www.adoptex.org/site/PageServer?pagename=wchildform
*Connecticut
*Delaware http://kids.delaware.gov/heartgallery/heartgallery.shtml
*DC
Florida http://www.dcf.state.fl.us/adoption/search/indexnew.asp
Georgia http://167.193.144.179/mtnmenu2.asp
Idaho http://www.idahowednesdayschild.org/index.php
Idaho 2 http://www.nwae.org/wait-id.html
*Illinois
Indiana - broken link on dss
Iowa http://www.iakids.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=kids.list
Kansas https://www.adoptkskids.org/Ad_Exch_Quick_Search.aspx
Kentucky https://apps.chfs.ky.gov/snap/
*Louisiana http://www.dss.state.la.us/index.cfm?md=newsroom&tmp=category&catID=4
Maine http://www.afamilyforme.org/heart.html
*Maryland http://adoption.marylandmare.org/
Massachusetts http://extranet.mareinc.org/logon.aspx
Michigan http://www.mare.org/WaitChild.html
Minnesota http://www.mnadopt.org/meetthekids.html
Minnesota 2 http://www10.co.hennepin.mn.us/csp/Adoptions/refinesearch.csp
Minnesota 3 http://www.co.ramsey.mn.us/hs/adoption/waitingchildren.htm
Mississippi - no dss link
Missouri http://www.kcchildren.org/
Missouri 2 http://www.adoptex.org/site/PageServer?pagename=wchildform
*Montana
Nebraska http://www.hhss.ne.gov/adoption/children.htm
Nebraska 2 http://www.nebraskaheartgallery.org/heartgallery.htm
Nevada http://www.co.washoe.nv.us/socsrv/socsrv_child_adoption_recruit.html
Nevada 2 http://www.adoptex.org/site/PageServer?pagename=wchildform
*New Jersey
New Mexico http://www.heartgallerynm.org/child_all
New Mexico 2 http://www.adoptex.org/site/PageServer?pagename=wchildform
New York https://apps.ocfs.ny.gov/Adoption/Child/Search/Demographic.aspx
*North Carolina
*North Dakota
*Ohio
Ohio 2 http://www.athenschildrenservices.com/children
Ohio 3 http://www.co.franklin.oh.us/children_services/adoption/adoptable-kids/
Ohio 4 http://www.hcjfs.hamilton-co.org/hckids/
Ohio 5 http://www.marionkids.com/fosteradopt.htm
Ohio 6 http://www.co.stark.oh.us/internet/HOME.DisplayPage?v_page=djfs_adoption
Ohio 7 http://www.summitkids.org/FosterCareAdoption/ChildProfiles/tabid/77/Default.aspx
Ohio 8 http://www.sanduskycountydjfs.org/chsvc.htm
*Oklahoma http://www.adoptex.org/site/PageServer?pagename=wchildform
Oregon http://boysandgirlsaid.org/programs/meet-wendys-wonderful-kids/
Oregon 2 http://www.nwae.org/wait-or.html
Pennsylvania http://www.adoptpakids.org/hgLanding.asp
Rhode Island http://www.adoptionri.org/photolisting.html
*South Carolina http://www.scheartgallery.org/
South Dakota http://www.adoptex.org/site/PageServer?pagename=wchildform
South Dakota 2 http://dss.sd.gov/adoption/childrenwaiting/
*Tennessee
Texas http://tare.dfps.state.tx.us/search
Utah http://www.adoptex.org/site/PageServer?pagename=wchildform
Utah 2 https://www.utdcfsadopt.org/docs/f.search.php
Vermont http://dcf.vermont.gov/projectfamily/adopting/children
*Virginia http://www.dss.virginia.gov/family/ap/heart_galleries/index.cgi
Washington http://www.nwae.org/wait-wa.html
West Virginia http://www.wvdhhr.org/oss/adoption/arn/search.cfm
Wisconsin http://www.adoptionresourcesofwi.org/lib/kids.asp?bog=1&Beh=3&Lea=3&Dev=3&Phy=3&Emo=3
Wyoming http://www.adoptex.org/site/PageServer?pagename=wchildform

National Listings

CAP: http://www.capbook.org/meet.asp
Adopt America Network: http://www.adoptamericanetwork.org/2003/children.html
AdoptUSKids: http://www.adoptuskids.org/Child/ChildSearch.aspx
Photolistings.com: http://photolisting.adoption.com/foster-adoption/advanced/

Another sibling inquiry + waiting

I'm slowly finding a routine in checking photolistings and figuring out how each state's page looks and how to click the buttons faster. This is a good thing, since there's so many of them! ComeUnity.com (sounds like 'community', I'd imagine) has a catalog of national, state, and international photolistings, so I can spend a whole day just going through their list. Last night just before bed I went from A-N (because Ohio has 7 different sites and I wanted to start with that today.) For whatever reason I started over at L this morning and when I got to the Ms, there were two new siblings ages 2 and 5 who weren't there last night (and are so adorable... no, stop it, no falling in love with pictures, Jessica! Sigh.)

This website didn't have a 'click to inquire' button so I had to call, and I did so around 11:00 this morning. The nice lady who answered the phone told me that their person was on another line and could she please call me back? So I left my number, and went on my way tapping my fingers nervously. I hadn't heard back by 4:00 so I gave another call... a different nice lady answered and said their person was on another line. I explained that I had called this morning and she was on the phone then too, and that I was fine waiting if I had to but could I please have an email address to send my homestudy to so we could speed things up a little bit. She hesitated, explained that the lady had been on the phone the entire day with inquiries on these two kids, and that they had just updated the website to put them on hold!

But... because I had called this morning, she gave me an email address... and the kids' "person" called me back about half an hour later.

With the information we have so far, it sounds like a good match. However, there's a family member who may want them, and family always comes first. They are gathering homestudies to have faster options if that family member says no, but we wait until the end of August to find that out. The person I spoke with was "their person" at the... agency?... recruiting place?... I'm not sure what that organization's role is... but the children's DSS social worker will get our study from them tomorrow morning. Apparently we have a few specific things that they're looking for that other folks she talked with didn't.

In the meantime, though, we have 7 different cases we're waiting to hear back on, 4 of which are sibling groups of 2. We wait. And we wait some more. And send an email, or make a call, and wait to hear back, and then maybe we'll wait a bit. While this process has always been one of waiting, the latest governmental budgetary choices have cut social worker salaries and hours and laid off a lot of folks, so employed workers who already had too many cases now have double what they had. Makes for a whole lot more waiting... which is probably why the woman I spoke to today worked through lunch.

First Contact

Yesterday marks the first time we were contacted by a recruiter (basically contracted social workers) for a child we did not know about. This is a good thing in a general sense; we wanted to get our name out there so that this exact thing could happen. There is a six month old girl available in Oregon, and this woman thought of us. The tricky thing is that the baby's birth parents and siblings/half-siblings (already adopted separately) have or show evidence of various health concerns that are difficult, if not impossible, to diagnose in a 6 month old baby.

So what happens is that first the recruiter gave us a small sampling of the information she had in her initial email. We replied that we were interested in more info, and she gave us the rest of what she had. But she's just a recruiter; so this afternoon (after consulting a few people) we decided to agree to submitting our home study to the baby's social worker. That worker will give us just a little bit more information, and then when they're done waiting for home study submissions they'll choose three or so (depends on the state) as finalists who will get a lot more information. The baby will be going through formal developmental evaluations "in August" (meaning 3 weeks or 7, we don't know) to determine if she needs any diagnoses or meds or whatever. At that point, if we're still in the running, we'll be able to know the results of that evaluation... I think. We can back out at any time... I think they're less strict about visitations and whatnot when the child is younger, so that's in our favor... especially since she's across the country... but again, depends on the state.

That's what's up right now. We're walking the balance of wanting to hope but not allowing it because there's so many variables and enough concerns to weigh in the situation, but quite a few things in its favor that we hadn't expected to open to us. Please pump up the prayer volume while we're "proceeding with extreme caution", both emotionally and with the actual paperwork and decision making.

God-appointed Agency

We have so many options available to us through this whole thing. One option we have is to purchase our home study from Bethany and go to another agency (different programs or prices) or try to do it all on our own with the help of an adoption lawyer. In the evening I was thinking and praying about a couple of other agencies I'd heard about and thought I might do some research, but then never got around to it.

Before bed I was having my devotions. I'm reading Matthew right now, I was on chapter 21. Keep in mind that although I've read this before and I know the overall plot, I don't have it all memorized, so I usually don't know what verse is coming next. I read a verse about children which made me pause and think about the adoption again (just from the topic, it wasn't a directional kind of verse). I prayed that, even though this chapter didn't seem to directly apply, God would use it to show us direction. I thought of the agency option momentarily, ("Hey, God, what do You think about this idea?") and then re-focused to read this:

"Then [Jesus] left them and went out of the city to Bethany*, and He lodged there." (v. 17)

Oh, okay then, I'll quit looking elsewhere. Thanks, God!



*for those of you just tuning in, although Bethany is a town in Bible times, it's also the name of our agency.

Ideas from Father Mike and two quotes

1. It's rarely coincidence when two people prayerfully making one decision come to the same conclusions independently.

2. Not only does God not want us to commit our lives to misery (even if we're equipped to physically handle it), He promises to give us the desires of our hearts. Being specific in the child we want is okay. If He wants to change something about that, He can do it.

3. We need to gather more information. We've already been talking to folks about the adoption process and how it worked for them, but I don't recall conversing on the specifics of how they reached their decisions. Also, since we have the option to choose different paths, information regarding those paths may be helpful.

4. Regarding my hearing God say "She's not ready yet", Mike's first inclination was to agree that it most likely meant a child based on the situation I was in when I prayed about it. He also pointed out (without me saying so first) that it didn't say "Stop", and that in his experience God is often clear about something as specific as "Stop".

5. If our prayer does not seem to be answered, it may be that God is waiting for us to pray the right prayer. It may not be about the answer, it may be about how we are relating to Him. My experience has proven that to be the case quite a lot, and it's a perspective I hadn't considered.

I feel like he said a lot more than that, but I'm processing slowly... as we continue to pray and talk, I'll try to add what I've forgotten to this list.

Lanse's Aunt Liz pointed the family towards a blog by church folks who went to Rwanda. Though Mr. (Dr.? Rev.?) Greener said the following while en route to Africa, it really felt appropriate for the topic of adoption as well:

• Anticipation is actually a part of all journeys worth making. It’s not wasted time (unless we waste it) but is part of the discipline of orienteering—of getting our bearings before we launch. It’s a season of collecting our strength and focus and desire, while learning that we are ultimately not in control. So we wait for love to blossom, for the child to come, for the job offer, for healing and wholeness to be known, for ends and beginnings—the best things can’t be rushed or demanded, but they can be anticipated. ~Jay Greener, Redeemer Church

Elsewhere in the blog he quoted an African proverb, which I've added to my sidebar. In the whole mess of worry and searching, of seeking God's will for the future and piling on anxiety over interpretations, we can get so caught up that we miss the excitement and the joy found in the present. So in the words of the wisdom of Africa,

"Waiting should not keep you from dancing."

I urge those of you who are waiting for any reason to please join me in remembering to dance, at least a little bit.

June already...

I recently realized that I hadn't written an update here since the homestudy was finalized. While part of that is because life simply got busy, or that we needed to have experienced something to write about, another part is due to a renewed sense of discomfort about the direction we're heading in. These kinds of feelings ebb and flow for me depending on the day, and I have been told repeatedly that the process of adoption is simply uncomfortable and intrusive and anxiety-filled, so we'd been trying not to put too much stock in it. Unfortunately, it still makes it difficult to hop online and blog things out for everyone.

Since we're new to this whole process, it seems wise to hire an agency (and social worker) to help us through the legalities and understanding what steps need to be taken so that we aren't taken advantage of or make any innocent mis-steps that get us into trouble legally or financially; thus our having signed with Bethany. We're following the directions of our social worker. But we're also, of course, trying to be aware of the subtle nudgings of God for our direction - we specifically chose a Christian agency in hopes that those elements will work together. Told that we needed to get the word out, we made the flyers that I posted about before. After that first initial "campaign" (only about a week) of sharing those with everyone, I felt strangely as though I needed to forget about it... became extremely self-conscious, and still am. A few weeks later it occurred to me that a full-sheet flyer is very difficult to share physically with people, so I sat down and designed business cards at one of those free sites, with all our adoption info on it so I could carry them in my purse. I got as far as the "submit order" button and realized I was NOT supposed to be doing this.... the best I can describe it is that the uncomfortable feeling turned to a disgust feeling and an inexplicable desire to run away from my computer. God seems to be telling me not to be yelling from the rooftops quite yet, and we have no idea why.

In the meantime, we began our search for children. Children in the care of the state are usually listed in an online database that, in most cases, includes photos; the databases are called Photolistings. There are a couple of national level photolistings - adoptuskids.org and photolistings.adoption.com - that I check a few times a week. There are some regional listings and adoption exchanges that cover a small handful of states, like nwae.org that covers some states in the North-West. Each state's Department of Child Services (or family services, or whatever that state calls it) has a photolisting, and some states have a photolisting available per county instead of one for the whole state. Then there are private organizations such as the Heart Gallery, which travels around to do advertising of hard-to-place kids in a physical location like an art gallery would show art, and Wednesday's Child, which features hard-to-place kids on TV during the news in different cities. This amounts to potentially 70+ websites that we could spend time searching through; though some children are repeated (some kids on the IL site could also be on the Heart Gallery or a national photolisting, for example). The purpose of looking through photolistings is to find a child who fits your criteria; unfortunately, some states are not allowed to post much of any useful information online, or only show the kids that have been in the system the longest, while other states list every single child in the state's custody, even if they're not adoptable for some reason. So in most cases we click a button, if we see a child we want more information about, and we wait to see how their social worker responds. Sometimes the social worker may not even hear from us... some agencies and departments sub-contract to another company to handle and forward the initial inquiries.

Which brings us to part of our despondency. We have set our criteria as broadly as is realistic for our family so that, if God decides a particular child is best for us, there would be fewer human road blocks. Kind of silly, thinking that tightened boundaries would limit God... I certainly don't think I have the power to do that... and yet, it seemed right at the time. We've begun to review our criteria, and I'm struggling with guilt of 'closing doors' just to fit the kind of family that I want. As it stands, our criteria are set to cover realistically what we could handle and are trained to handle, even if we don't really want to handle it. We're trying to be realistic; we wouldn't even get any kind of choice if we were going about this a bit more traditionally. Lanse also points out that God favors the willing, so in tightening our boundaries are we childishly saying no to God? We're talking, praying, reading, seeking His will. We're seeking wise counsel... meeting with our priest on Thursday to see how he might help us interpret what we're feeling and hearing.

In the meantime, we are maintaining our present course until we hear definitively otherwise. A couple of weeks ago, I once again sat down to look through photolistings, and a sense of hopelessness and despair just washed over me; I felt that the only possible way to welcome a peaceful and fun-loving child into our home would be to seriously stress our abilities in other areas... the kind of child that we want is simply not present in the photolistings. There's a big sense that we're making due to fit a philosophy we held when we began years ago that, frankly, I'm not sure I'm as convinced of anymore. But that Sunday I had spent in meditation, praying for guidance, questioning over and over why God very clearly brought us to this moment and nothing was happening. We were stalled for no apparent reason. I sat in front of my computer with children's faces on the screen, none of them mine, feeling chained to it... I couldn't close the window or let go of this desperate need to just DO something...and suddenly the answer just dropped quietly into my head: "She's not ready yet." And suddenly I was calm again and could move on to other things.

We're meant to wait; whoever "she" is, God is doing a work in her. It could be our child (we've both night-dreamed about a girl), it could be a birth mother or a foster mother, it could be a social worker... He could even mean me, and I'm trying to carefully assess myself just in case. But we know that the entire process is one of waiting, and that message didn't tell us to stop inquiring on children or looking at photos. We were not told to stop following our social worker's direction. So we've continued to look, and at one point I even felt drawn to the computer, compelled to look... and inquired on a child who did not fit the stated criteria but it just felt right to inquire. An infant, she was listed and removed from listing in three hours and was no longer available when I spoke to her social worker. I'm not sure what the purpose of the insistant feeling was in this case, but perhaps we'll find out.

I'm keeping a database of all the children for whom we've submitted inquiries. It's important to keep track so that we don't inquire multiple times on different sites, so we know when we sent a release of information form for each child, the date we hear from their worker, the date Bert sends our homestudy, and the child's adoptability status. Today there's 32 line items in the database, with 13 sibling groups, for a total of 45 children. Of those 45, only about 5 of them are current in the last two weeks, and we've heard back on 16 of them, all not available or a poor match. The rest of them... no idea. And most of them were inquiries made in the first two weeks of May. So far, things are proceeding as we were promised... no news is simply no news.

Our social worker has also been having some difficulties which support God's plan for us to be waiting a bit. A friend of hers died out of town, when she got back from that trip the agency had installed a new email server system thing (she couldn't describe it to me very well) that made all the email bounce, and the week after that something happened at her house with electric or plumbing that meant she had to be home for someone to dig up her entire front yard. One thing after another is keeping her from working on our process.. or really that of all her clients. So we call and wait and wait and call and inquire and see what may happen next. After her email snafu, it's likely that some of the replies to our inquiries are sitting in her computer somewhere.

And that's what's happened in the last nearly-two months. This week has put an interesting spin on my thoughts, as I'm working every morning with the preschoolers (ages 3-5, our target adoption ages) at Kids' Kamp, our church's Vacation Bible School program. One of my favorite adopted kids from church (international adoption) is finally old enough to attend, and it's been a joy to have him. We'll be heading to New York for the July 4 weekend and week after, but I'll hopefully have it in me to post an update before we leave.

Please pray that we will be given peace and a firm confidence in what God wants us to do. I'm looking for an action direction, clear and precise. If He wants to initiate the Large Neon Arrow approach, that'd be fantastic. But whatever works, so long as Lanse and I are clear and of one mind.

We very much appreciate your prayers and support.

HOMESTUDY READY!

WE'RE HOMESTUDY READY!!!

The ball is now mostly in our court; we will spend all our waking hours pouring over photolistings from all over the country and networking with social workers. The plan is to get the word out as much as possible, but unfortunately there is a whole world of scammers and illegal 'selling children' activity out there, so we're trying to keep our contacts clearly within social worker domains. That means that if you hear of someone with a child available within our criteria, we would love to know... but we need to have either our social worker contact theirs or theirs contact ours; we don't want any random phone calls to our house! Please be considerate about that, as many of you know us personally.

If you are a (or have any connection to a) social worker, we have a one-page profile sheet that we'd like to share. We're looking for any kind of connection that may even be second- or third-hand just to get our name circulating; so far I've thought of educators, clergy, and pediatric medical professionals as contact sources as well as folks who are directly in the social or family services professions. Our profile sheet basically describes us in a nutshell and the kind of child (or children) we feel would fit our family well, and provides contact information for receiving a copy of our homestudy from Bert at Bethany. We can email it or snail-mail it to you, whatever is most convenient. Oddly enough, though we are definitely wanting to follow any leads, we are beginning outside of South Carolina because of the way in which the state to agency interactions work. This makes the networking a little more difficult since we can't just drop by to local places, so your willingess to help is truly valued!

Thanks so much for all your prayers and support. Keep it coming... the hard part's just beginning!

Homestudy Approval Meeting Tomorrow

We're driving up to Bethany tomorrow to meet with Bert at 2:30. The homestudy's been signed off by the Director, and we have to read through it carefully to make sure it's all accurate and things cast in the particular lights that we feel are appropriate. We'll be bringing her a few more photos to add in, and we'll also be discussing our time line for the next part of the plan. As soon as I know it, I'll share it.

I love my friends, and how they're all so amazingly supportive through all of this craziness. I've been spending time here and there looking through photolistings and getting discouraged because of how few children are listed as available who we feel could fit our family. I've been discouraged enough that we've already started discussing our alternatives. I mentioned this to one of my best friends last night and she said, "Well, you wouldn't be able to do anything about it until Friday, right? So they wouldn't be there yet." Her point was basically, when we're ready, God'll put our children's info right where it needs to be. She was so totally right. I'm so grateful that God's given us friends to help us keep perspective.

More news tomorrow!

A month later...

Wow. My last post was the 16th of March, and here it is the 17th of April. But there's good news! Bert took two days last week to focus on our homestudy, one of which she worked from her home office so as to avoid distractions. While going through our file, she did find questions she wanted to ask, something that was marked off as received but had NY information, and discovered that she hadn't received a recommendation from one source and that our physical exams were soon to expire.

So yesterday we went in to the doctor's office and got our physicals done again (3rd time's the charm?), and the recommendation is currently in progress (the person writing it IMed us mid-writing, so we know). As of this moment the homestudy is 99% complete; as soon as these items get to the office and she plugs in the text, we're ready to roll!!

What's next? When it's ready, we drive to the agency office, read it over and make any corrections or changes, and she'll work through a timeline with us. I have no idea what this timeline looks like yet, but we'll let you know.

Homestudy Writing Update

Well, three weeks will be up on Friday (tomorrow), but Bert's just starting to work on our stuff today. So it'll be another 2 to 3 weeks. It's okay, I'm disappointed but not upset, because she had very good reasons. She transferred and settled 5 (not 3) kids from California to Myrtle Beach, and a baby involved in one of her client's cases was born unexpectedly and needed placement, and that was out of her immediate area as well, so she was on the road a lot as well as just dealing with the normal caseload fpr both cases. We'd known about the CA kids and there's nothing to be done about an unexpected birth, so it's all good. I am, however, looking forward to getting her first clarification phone call. She warned us that when she writes these things, she works from home and the moment she comes across something she needs to check with us, she calls... no making lists and calling later, she'll just ring us up at any strange time she may be writing. So once we get one of those calls we'll know she's getting things done.

I've received some confused questions about what's going on now (working on the homestudy) as opposed to what we've been doing over the last year (working on the homestudy). So here's a clarification that those of you involved in adoption already can just skim over or skip to the end as you wish.

Over the last year (and some, see the ticker on the side of the blog) we've been working on completing a number of documents. This is us "working on the homestudy". All of these documents go into our file and once they're all completed, Bert will take them and write them into a combination of narrative and general information that can be presented as a whole to the social workers representing our potential children. This is her "working on the homestudy", which is happening right now.

So if we decide we want to parent Jenny (no, there's no "Jenny" yet), Jenny's social worker will receive a little book about us from Bert. That book is what she's writing. Some homestudies are just a few sheets of paper and some are doctoral-thesis-length; Bert likes to be as thorough as possible without being so overwhelming that the other social worker won't read it. I can't remember exactly, but I have the idea that she aims for 10-15 pages.

Our homestudy will contain:

• a cover sheet (profile page) that's a very brief 'who we are and who we're looking for'
• more detailed narrative on our past, marriage, families, current lifestyle, future aspirations; basically All About Us (as understood by Bert)
• details of the kind of children we're looking for and why (if appropriate)
  
• recommendation letters gathered from friends and family, with explanations of comments if necessary
• results of our physicals
• results of our background checks
• results of our inspections
  

When it's ready, we will drive up to Columbia and read through every word. We'll discuss with her if we think something is incorrect or could be worded differently, and then she'll make changes and run off a final draft. And then we're ready to roll.

So there's the description of the homestudy process in a nutshell, or at least in the shell surrounding our particular nut. I know that every state and every agency does things in slightly different ways, but from what I've learned from talking to people this is a pretty good representation of the concept. I hope it's cleared things up a bit for everyone.

*******************

The only other matter was that of the kitchen fire extinguisher. Yes, there are multiple kinds of extinguishers! Here's a picture, ruthlessly pillaged from the internet and edited by me:

Apparently they put out different kinds of fires. The smaller one does mostly just stove fires, but the second one we bought does stove fires (kitchen), wood type fuels (fireplace), and live electrical wires. In any case, we're all set and ready and everyone who needs a photo of our lovely mounted-under-the-counter extinguisher has been appeased.

And I think that's it for now! We'll keep on keeping everyone posted as we start hearing from Bert as she writes.

Fire Inspection Complete!

Bert met the Fire Marshal at McDonald's off of the highway exit, grabbed some coffee, and were on our doorstep pretty much right at 9:00 this morning. He measured the kid's bedroom window, investigated (looked at) the optional kid's bedroom window to assess it was the same as the first, tested every smoke detector, and then put lots of stuff in his laptop. The only hitch is that we apparently bought the wrong kind of fire extinguisher; we got one traditionally found in a home kitchen, and we needed the next (enormous) size up with a hose on it like you see in schools. We're going to replace this one, take a digital photo of the new one, and email it to him so that he can see that it's there and then we're good to go. Ain't technology grand? And, as seemed to happen last time, he didn't look at the things we had concerns about.

So. The next step is Bert's actual creation of the official homestudy document that we will hand 'round about. She said it will take 2-3 weeks, because she's wrapping up three of her assigned kids moving here from California this week and next. So in 3 weeks we'll be starting the search! Bert explained that we work from the internet photolistings (such as are listed in the sidebar) and word of mouth, so as soon as we're "Homestudy Ready" we'll be on a mission to get the word out about us to everyone we know. I may also either change the format of this blog, or put up another website for the sake of having a URL to hand around to friends and family.

Keep watching this space!

This morning

As anticipated, I'm much better after having had a night's sleep. Lanse was also very wonderful in letting me cry and vent, speaking some rationality into whatever brain I had left at the time, and praying with me. While we're always taking our feelings and thoughts under advisement, no changes are being made right now, which is good. And we're done with training for a small bit, which is also good... and I'm focusing on teenagers this week for school, which we're not adopting, so that's also good. I have to find a small mental vacation somehow. But overall, it's all good. For the moment.

Overwhelmed!

It's been a very hard week here at home with things unrelated to the adoption, so I'll preface this with saying that I know I'm both sleepy tired and life exhausted right now, so I may not be thinking - and am definitely not feeling - clearly.

We just finished up the last of our home study required training sessions. The last two were on Child Maltreatment and Sexual Abuse. I am so sick to my stomach, angry, and overwhelmed. I'm also in college to get my degree in Child Development, so I've spent the last four weeks studying everything that can go wrong in proper development at all ages due to stress and abuse in an unsafe home environment.

I'm trying to find the right word for my feeling... desperation, hopelessness... whiny?? I just want to be a mom! I can't be pregnant, and we feel like we are personally called to do what we can for our own folk before focusing on the rest of the world, thus older child adoption. Does that seriously mean that my children must be irreparably damaged? Does that mean that because I can't bear a child I have to mother children who had their innocence torn from them? That I'm going to be punished by fetal alcohol syndrome and oppositional defiance disorder and a child who falsely accuses my husband of things because she was molested when she was 2?

Maybe this isn't the way we're supposed to go.... but it's either adopt or don't have children, and we really can't face the latter yet...

Previous post addendum

Ok, so after looking at the fire safety brochure, that's not all they'll be checking. They also look to see that gas related whatsits (like lawn mowers and gas cans) aren't being stored in the house, make sure the fireplace has appropriate screens, the electrical panel is accessible, there's easy exits in case of fire, we have colorful fire exit floor plans posted on the wall, and they want 3' clearance around electrical utilities like the water heater. That last one's actually our biggest concern, because some previous owner built a little room around the water heater out in the garage and there is not 3' clearance all around it. But Bert looked at it and said it wasn't a problem.

If the Fire Marshal has a problem with something, it's not like we're a write-off... we have a chance to fix it and have Bert notify them when we're set. Still... we're ready to move on from this stage.
I don't want anything else we have to have cleared if we can avoid it.

Fire Inspection - Scheduled!

Thanks for your prayers; they're working! Bert got through today and scheduled us for Feb. 27th at 9:00am-ish. After that it's just her putting together the final homestudy document and we're ready to start looking. In the meantime, we have two more online classes to take (about two evenings) and we'll be ready on our end. Good times.

All he's looking for are smoke detectors, a fire extinguisher, and he's going to measure the windows to be sure a fully geared firefighter can fit through them. Sounds pretty straightforward.

Prayers are still good though. Thanks!

Fire update

Well, Bert's called the Fire Marshal three times in the last two weeks and can't get through to schedule the inspection. She intends to try one more time, and if we still can't get put on his calendar, she'll call his boss the Fire Chief and get him to put the squeeze on. She was told when she called that there is only one Fire Marshal for 8 counties, or at least the one that we need has 8 counties, and we have to talk directly to him to get on his schedule... so you could understand why he's been hard to reach.

Adoption Related Prayer Requests:
1. Fire Marshal will answer the phone.
2. He'll have an available slot NOW (though, next week is okay too), or if there's a cancellation they will give us the slot.

I feel the pressure for speed all of the sudden. This could be hormonal, could be part of my previous post about the desperate ache of motherhood needs... but it could also be an intuitive gut thing that I get sometimes that's almost always right and says, "OK... GO!" Therefore...

3. If speed is God's Will, He'll do it fast and now; if it is not His Will, if we need to wait for our child to be ready, that He'll chill me out and calm me down.

Details

Here's more details for you.

She was here about 1/2 an hour, came in and asked to see the kitchen, checked the water temp, asked to see the kid's bath and bedroom (loved the decor!), checked our potential second bedroom (if we needed it as a bedroom we'd move the office upstairs), took a backyard tour, and we were good to go. She didn't even enter the rooms we had really stressed out over! Also, we'd been really stressed out about our cats' worse habits, but she herself has 5 cats and 2 dogs and was all, "Meh, you do what you gotta do."

Sat down and filled out the paperwork; we did have one change to make from what the agency had sent them, but it's not a big deal. We had asked the agency that our bottom age range be "Walking... which is, what? Like... 2? Ish?" and she definitively wrote AGE 2 on the sheet. We wanted more flexibility... my niece just started walking and she's only 11 months. So with our approval the inspector decided to inspect for the 0 - 6 range, so we'll have to sort everyone out and get them all on the same page. Which is fine.

We're approved as-is, since the only thing that needs addressing we had already planned to address.... we had some damage to the play set. So we're good to go!

Now we just have to impress the Fire Marshal. *grin*

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers everyone!

Inspection PASSED!

It went GREAT!! She wasn't here long, just asked to see the kitchen, kid's room and bath, and the backyard; she has a whole lot of pets herself and wasn't phased at all about ours... amazing. Lovely.

I'm gonna go fall down now. I'll post more details later. Promise.

Ready?

I think.... we're... maybe ready? Pretty sure ready? We've got just about two hours, and I'm not sure if we're ready. I've saved our to-do lists in our adoption binder; when we're all set and done with everything and start putting a life book together for our child (like a scrapbook) I'll set them all out and take a picture. Aaaaaallll the many many lists of things. The very last thing on my list is to make another list! Literally... I need to make a list of emergency numbers to put by the phone. Which I will finish when I'm done with this post.

So. Just a few more tiny things and we'll actually be prepared to open the door to the inspector at 11:30ish. Keep praying!!

Gnawing

Anyone who's lived in an area where it snows a lot during the winter understands that feeling that comes around February. The one where it feels like there's something in that space between your stomach and your throat kind of gnawing away and if you don't get to go play in the grassy yard RIGHT NOW you'll explode. It's the house-bound ache that can start to drive you out of your mind if you live somewhere that snows you in for six months of the year. I grew up in Minnesota so I'm familiar with that desperate crazy gnawing.

I never expected to feel that down here in "sunny" SC, half an hour from the beach. This time the ache's not caused by snow or cold or not being able to leave the house. It's still the same gnawing, in the same place... but it's caused by not yet having my children. I've wanted to be a mom... expected to become a mom... a couple of years after getting married. I started looking into adoption via Google at least two years before Lanse was ready to start discussing it. It took us another couple of years to get to the emotional place where we could make the first contact with an agency. And, according to the posts in this blog archive, we placed that call over two years ago. We will hopefully be done with the home study by the end of next month, and that's when the 'waiting' in adoption traditionally begins.

Everyone whose adopting stories I've read has expressed the huge amount of waiting that goes on through this process, but I had always interpreted the feelings as impatience or exasperation, or just a general intellectual annoyance at elapsing time. I really had no idea it would feel like this. Of course, having no recourse against it all I can do is analyze and try to figure out why I feel so weighed down and suffocated with this desire of motherhood; I know I don't need to have my own children to survive, or anything desperate like that. We've done rather well as a couple with cats making it into our mid 30s. I'm studying to be a teacher, and I know that fulfills me. So why this horrible ache for my own?

My child, should you ever read this, know that you are wanted. I want you so desperately that sometimes it hurts in my heart that I have to wait for you to come. I love you so much already, and I don't even know who you are. But some day soon, we will be a family...

More preparing

Today has been very busy as a preparing day. We had a lot of rearranging stuff to do yet, furniture to buy and so forth, so we headed out to Walmart rather early (for a sleepy Saturday). Besides groceries we got a new file box with a lid that can lock, an enormous under-the-bed storage bin, a meat thermometer... I forget what else. We also added a couple things to the list for Lowes, which should happen tomorrow.

So we came home and got to work. I got Lanse's unused tackle box out (which works with the padlock) and went around collecting up all the fire-starting devices and the "sharps" (scissors and rotary cutters and the like). Packed up all the Christmas stuff that we'd dumped in the back room and was in the way of the closet, and Lanse took it to the attic. Then I moved all the sewing related things from the back room closet to the cabinetry in the bedroom, put my quilting cotton FQs in the bin under the bed, moved all the stuff from the sewing drawer in the living room into there as well, pretty much condensed everything. I also moved all of our active files into the new file box and got that set up.

While I did that, Lanse cleaned his bathroom (the main one), moved all the stuff from the porch to the shed that we'd put on the porch from the garage (Thanks Jen!), helped me take down and pack up some last minute Christmas stuff, and was available as my shifter to help me move bins and boxes from here-to-there and there-to-upstairs.

We also used the meat thermometer to check the temperature of the hot water at the tap. Required temp for the inspection is 120 degrees or less (which is annoying, because our dishwasher says that it needs 120 or more). In the kitchen it came out at 128; we still have to check the bathroom, which I'll do when I get up to go to bed. So we have the original water heater (10 years old?) that we need to change the temp on, without a manual. Lanse poked around and says it looks like it's set for 130, so it does get colder as it comes along. It's also covered in "READ THE MANUAL" stickers. He agreed to wait until I've had one last long hot shower before trying to figure it out. He's so sweet.

Tomorrow: Church, and I assist in Sunday School with the 4 yr olds, trip to Lowes, mounting the fire escape routes and emergency numbers and all that around the house, organizing the upstairs junk closet, washing my bathroom, fixing the drain plugs in both bathroom sinks (they both broke in the same places one or two days apart from each other!), taking care of the leftover dead garden plants in the backyard, and then I have a paper to write.

What a trip tomorrow will be!

Reaction observations

One of the huge emotional struggles that adopting parents have to push past when beginning the process is the fact that there are so many people out there having kids they don't want, or shouldn't have, and they're free to do so as they wish... when we have to be interviewed, tested, and approved by the government before we're "allowed" to be parents. Anger is a natural part of the process, but it's vital to have done as much dealing with it as possible before you begin interacting with your potential child, because they can sense moods and may read your anger as disapproval, or think you're angry with them. It's just not something the kids should have to deal with. Obviously, I do understand that our children will at some point deal with us being angry, but I'd like to keep my anger unrelated to the adoption process, since that's going to be the first and foremost Big Deal to the kids right now and won't help anyone if dealt with inappropriately.

Yesterday I was at church when I received the call from the county to schedule our health inspection. I'm trying to put all kinds of emotions into words here, and it's not working very well. Everything was... and still is... pretty overwhelming.

Overall, while I am very nervous, I'm mostly excited. Finally the process is moving forward. This is a wonderful thing! After calling Lanse and then calling my mom, I went down to tell the people who happened to be at church who are in my Bible study and always asks for updates. They were very excited for us! They are praying! This is good!

And then I went to find another friend who was working in the office, and someone else had just come in. Now, we're not keeping this a secret (obviously) so I didn't hesitate to share the news anyway. This other person asked what this inspection entails, and I explained what we have to do in general, what we got done for Bert's inspection, and what specifics we had left. Thinking back, my tone was a bit apologetic for some reason, like I was trying to convey 'yeah, this is kinda silly, but it's what we're doing.' So from that perspective, I guess I can understand her reaction. She looked at me with pity and a smile and, dripping with sarcasm, said, "I completely understand. Because, you know, my garage was completely childproof when I had my baby, and I padded my walls, too, just in case." Then she lost her sarcasm and in a very caring voice said how sorry she was that we had to deal with such incredible nonsense, etc.

So now I'm really angry again. Oddly, though, I'm angry with her and not the government, because her response made me angry. (That's rather circular...) I honestly thought I'd gotten over that part, and I'd moved on. I was excited about moving forward, glad that we had everything under control for next week's inspection... this is just What Must Be Done. But her response was like... someone with six kids who never suffered a drop of morning sickness watch her friend heaving into the toilet pregnant with her first and saying, "Isn't morning sickness awful? I'm so sorry." No one would even think of being that cruel.

Anyway, I'm angry and upset. I also realize that I shouldn't be; her reaction is exactly the same as our reactions to hearing we had to go through this. It's exactly what I should expect but for some reason I didn't, and it was like this huge heavy wet blanket over my excitement.

Yes, we're sorting and organizing, installing weird plastic devices, locking cabinets, cleaning the house to ridiculous extent. I am being observed, interviewed, and graded. I am not, however, throwing up for nine months, on oxygen or bed rest, eating pickle ice cream sandwiches, or looking forward to a tentative high-risk surgical birth. In the end, I'm pretty sure it'll be worth it.

One nearly down...

Got the call this morning to schedule our "Sanitation Inspection". The lady from the county called it that, and then listed a few things they'll be looking for... which were all on the list from Bert for the "Health and Safety Inspection". So I'm assuming it's the same thing.

I'm a bit nervous, because I've never been clear about whether we're officially "adopting" or "foster adopting"; we marked the 'yes' box on Bethany's application that said, "Willing to foster identified adopting child" or something like that, and Bert explained that meant we were willing to be cleared just in case the child we choose isn't freed for adoption yet. I explained that situation to the county lady, and she decided to mark 'foster care clearance' on her paper, so we're officially being inspected under foster care terms. I'm a bit concerned that I messed something up on that one, but it doesn't make sense any other way.

Anyway, the inspection is next Thursday around 11:30a.m. Please pray that it'll go really well and that we'll stay calm and accomplish a lot between now and then! Our friend Jen is coming tomorrow after work to help us do some of the major stuff we have left (like cleaning the non-self-cleaning oven and moving all the unsafe heavy stuff from the garage to the shed) and we'll get everything else finished up on the weekend.

In preparation for the fire inspection, (not scheduled yet) I stopped at the fire station today to ask about the extinguisher recharge thing. The firemen were very nice... really young, which surprised me, but quite sweet. I should do more for the local firefighter guys; my cousin fights wildfires in the North West, and I should take an interest in things I have personal connection to. Anyway, they said they have a company down about 10 minutes away come and charge up the ones at the station, and the two guys there didn't know the name of the company, but they did tell me where it is. So I can Google it, most likely. Here's hoping!

Mild frustration... again...

Okay, so I realize that it's been the holidays and things got busy. I can accept that. But when I talked to Bert yesterday, I thought we were golden. Yesterday was the mix up in inspector requisitions. Today she called a number of times... first she hadn't written down when our house was built, which we have discussed a number of times. Then she called back to verify where Lanse works, and I asked her if the reference letters had gone out, since I hadn't heard about it yet. So she goes digging, and the address we'd given her in December while she was standing in our living room (done then to save time, y'know) was still tucked into the file and never made it to the secretary who had the form. Then she called me back again because apparently they sent the employment reference form to work and never got it back. There was something else as well that she called back about, and I can't remember.

So on the frustrated side, things haven't been getting done when I thought they were.

On the positive side though, I happen to know that Bert's been sitting in the office all afternoon with our file open, and that's a good thing.

After losing most of the day to a migraine headache, I have managed to scan in and email our vet records to her, as well as print out the floor plan fire escape routes that we need to have posted in prominent places. We have to run out and get some frames for them. I printed two black and white for the living room and kitchen, and one colorful with cute clip art for the kid's room. I think next I'll print up an emergency numbers list to post with it.

I also need to make that shopping list so that when we go we can get everything at once. It'll be a big bill. Sigh.

Inspections and vets

I had sent email to Bert two weeks ago and in the craziness of the holidays it got buried. I thought there was a chance that she'd gone off to have surgery, so I emailed her secretary and got a call back from Bert.

The health inspection request never got sent, and the fire inspection request was sent to Charleston County instead of Dorchester County. So she's sending both again, and she will copy me on the request via email so that I know exactly when she requests it.

We're pretty much ready for the inspections, though we have to go buy a large bin to store paint in, get around to locking up the tools in the garage, and I keep finding matchbooks in various drawers, so I need to go around with a box and systematically search every drawer and closet and stuff for things like matches and scissors. The obvious stuff has been taken care of, but since I have candles all over the house I tended to leave means of fire nearby. I also need to buy another bin to put my quilting supplies in, since there's currently rotary cutters on my craft shelf and blades for it in my (low) drawer. Hopefully what we have left will take about two hours (not counting the shopping for bins), plus taking the fire extinguisher to the fire station and seeing if they'll recharge it for us.

Other than that, we only had the vet records left to take care of, and that appointment's in an hour. Oh, we also have to dump our dead garden pots. We were also going to dismantle the playset, but Bert says so long as we have a plan and she can verify later that it was done, we don't have to have that done when the inspector arrives.

I registered us for the next two training classes, the first on ADD/ADHD/ODD, and the second on Lying. Should be interesting.