- Maybe Days: A Book for Children in Foster Care, Jennifer Wilgocki (Author), Marcia Kahn Wright (Author)
- Kids Need to be Safe: A Book for Children in Foster Care, Julie Nelson (Author)
- Families Change: A Book for Children Experiencing Termination of Parental Rights, Julie Nelson (Author)
- A Terrible Thing Happened, Margaret M. Holmes (Author), Sasha J Mudlaff (Author) [Note: about dealing with witnessed trauma]
- The Boy Who Didn't Want to be Sad, Rob Goldblatt(Author, Illustrator)
- A Family for Sammy - A story to help explain foster care to young kids, Kate gaynor KG (Author)
- Murphy's Three Homes: A story for children in foster care, Jan Levinson Gilman (Author)
- Zachary's New Home: A story for foster and adopted children, Geraldine M. Blomquist (Author), Paul B. Blomquist (Author)
- The Star: A story to help young children understand foster care, Cynthia Miller Lovell (Author)
- Finding the Right Spot: When Kids Can't Live with Their Parents, Janice Levy (Author)
- Please Tell: A child's story about sexual abuse, Jessie (Author)
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Children's Books
I've ordered a dozen books from Barnes and Noble to browse them before I buy them. I'm looking for the perfect set of children's books that relate to foster care issues. So that I have the list all in one place, I offer it here. When they arrive, and I skim through them, I'll come back and post my thoughts. All of these books are listed at Amazon for ages 4 and up, though if you get these for your own kids, use your discretion.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Independence
Over the course of childhood a journey is taken in the area of
independence that is predictable and generally similar through
(American) human history. Pre-mobile babies are completely dependent on
their mothers not only for physical supplies, but even for things as
simple as sitting up. Once those legs get going, the toddler and
three-year old kids have a kind of yo-yo effect: being attached to the
mother provides them unconditional safety to bounce out into their
environment and explore. They'll wander out into the room, or other
areas of the house, or the accessible areas of a familiar place, and
then rocket back to their mother for reassurance that it's all okay.
By between late-three and six years old, a child is usually confident enough and independent enough to find excitement at the start of school, where they are able to create a surface attachment to the teacher for safety to explore the classroom and learning away from their mother all day long. After that it's all a rush of data collection until the start of puberty, when these things begin all over again on a larger scale.
We value independence, and so we rejoice to see our very young children accomplish previously impossible things. We encourage them to be independent, to help with the chores, to clean up after themselves, to slow down and think, to recognize and talk about what they need so that we can teach them how to get it. This is in a family where the environment supports normal development.
I grew up in that kind of environment, and so it's my instinct to encourage and support our children's learning in that way. Most folk in the foster arena mostly agree, as far as life skills, and chores go. But think about it: When a three year old comes into the family from a torn and traumatic situation already knowing how to gather all the elements from a kitchen and create a sandwich, is that because they were taught independence or because they've had to find their own source of food for so long? When they are just three and already potty trained, is it because they were ready and supported in learning, or because they're smart kids tired of sitting in filth when no one would change them, or because adults screamed and hit when they made a mess?
Some people think that it's helpful, at least at first, to do absolutely everything for the young child; in essence to start them over in infancy for a brief period of time so they can attach properly. Providing basic needs for the child immediately every time, not to mention anticipating them, does wonders for healing children damaged in this way. I used this method for the first few months with B. & L. and it was exactly the right thing for them. They were desperate and scared. W., on the other hand, seems simply confident, and so I do encourage him to help himself - sometimes. The red flags start waving when his independence is coupled with a bossy attitude, and then we rein it in a bit and talk it over.
I guess the bottom line really is in how you view children. A friend's perspective is that they're not raising children, they're training future adults. And our young future adults are people like you, and deserve the respect and assistance that we would give to our neighbor or our coworker, with a lot more love and personal attention. Parenting wisdom says, "Choose your battles", which seems to me as if we think it's a war. Sure, sometimes it feels like it. But if I go through my days always feeling as if I'm fighting with my son, it's simply not going to work. And I realized that the days that felt like a war were either because someone in the family did not get a basic need met (sleep or food, usually) or because the adults are making unreasonable or unnecessary demands.
So the three of us, and anyone who visits, are a team, with four simple team rules:
So what does this have to do with independence? Everything, really. One or the other of us is with W. every moment of the day except when he's sleeping. We do our own things alongside him, he asks us permission to accomplish some task, and we arrange the environment so that he can do it himself - as long as it fits within the rules. If he wishes to do something that we feel isn't kind or safe, perhaps because he doesn't really understand what's involved, we can have a team meeting and discuss the procedure, or we can announce it to be a team project and work together. He can also spontaneously ask for "teamwork please!" if he's being independent and gets stuck. Lots of things are team projects right now, which grown-ups usually call "playing together", but as he gets older that will happen less and less. He can do what he likes, and be what he likes, and clean up the messes he makes, while still knowing that his needs are met and he is loved.
So far he's thriving. It's amazing what being treated like a person will do for someone.
By between late-three and six years old, a child is usually confident enough and independent enough to find excitement at the start of school, where they are able to create a surface attachment to the teacher for safety to explore the classroom and learning away from their mother all day long. After that it's all a rush of data collection until the start of puberty, when these things begin all over again on a larger scale.
We value independence, and so we rejoice to see our very young children accomplish previously impossible things. We encourage them to be independent, to help with the chores, to clean up after themselves, to slow down and think, to recognize and talk about what they need so that we can teach them how to get it. This is in a family where the environment supports normal development.
I grew up in that kind of environment, and so it's my instinct to encourage and support our children's learning in that way. Most folk in the foster arena mostly agree, as far as life skills, and chores go. But think about it: When a three year old comes into the family from a torn and traumatic situation already knowing how to gather all the elements from a kitchen and create a sandwich, is that because they were taught independence or because they've had to find their own source of food for so long? When they are just three and already potty trained, is it because they were ready and supported in learning, or because they're smart kids tired of sitting in filth when no one would change them, or because adults screamed and hit when they made a mess?
Some people think that it's helpful, at least at first, to do absolutely everything for the young child; in essence to start them over in infancy for a brief period of time so they can attach properly. Providing basic needs for the child immediately every time, not to mention anticipating them, does wonders for healing children damaged in this way. I used this method for the first few months with B. & L. and it was exactly the right thing for them. They were desperate and scared. W., on the other hand, seems simply confident, and so I do encourage him to help himself - sometimes. The red flags start waving when his independence is coupled with a bossy attitude, and then we rein it in a bit and talk it over.
I guess the bottom line really is in how you view children. A friend's perspective is that they're not raising children, they're training future adults. And our young future adults are people like you, and deserve the respect and assistance that we would give to our neighbor or our coworker, with a lot more love and personal attention. Parenting wisdom says, "Choose your battles", which seems to me as if we think it's a war. Sure, sometimes it feels like it. But if I go through my days always feeling as if I'm fighting with my son, it's simply not going to work. And I realized that the days that felt like a war were either because someone in the family did not get a basic need met (sleep or food, usually) or because the adults are making unreasonable or unnecessary demands.
So the three of us, and anyone who visits, are a team, with four simple team rules:
- Obey*
- Be kind
- Be safe
- Have fun
So what does this have to do with independence? Everything, really. One or the other of us is with W. every moment of the day except when he's sleeping. We do our own things alongside him, he asks us permission to accomplish some task, and we arrange the environment so that he can do it himself - as long as it fits within the rules. If he wishes to do something that we feel isn't kind or safe, perhaps because he doesn't really understand what's involved, we can have a team meeting and discuss the procedure, or we can announce it to be a team project and work together. He can also spontaneously ask for "teamwork please!" if he's being independent and gets stuck. Lots of things are team projects right now, which grown-ups usually call "playing together", but as he gets older that will happen less and less. He can do what he likes, and be what he likes, and clean up the messes he makes, while still knowing that his needs are met and he is loved.
So far he's thriving. It's amazing what being treated like a person will do for someone.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Tentative return to blogging
And within a month, just before Christmas, we went from no contact with birth family to a family placement and empty house. The chaos of the summer and autumn, and then the horrible gutwrenching devestation in the following months of winter, had the reasonable result of no blogging. There was no way that I could put my feelings into words, nor could I really even think about any topics related to this blog that didn't dissolve me into tears or depression.
After a bit of healing time, we were blessed with little Dubs, a new SU3.5. He's resilient, and not currently in need of any additional therapies, which is a blessing. He's also young and male and been through a lot, and we're constantly in odds with the opinions of others in his "care team", for lack of a better descriptive term.
And that's about all I've got at the moment. Hopefully I can think of more to write later.
After a bit of healing time, we were blessed with little Dubs, a new SU3.5. He's resilient, and not currently in need of any additional therapies, which is a blessing. He's also young and male and been through a lot, and we're constantly in odds with the opinions of others in his "care team", for lack of a better descriptive term.
And that's about all I've got at the moment. Hopefully I can think of more to write later.
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