Routines and trust

Ask any early childhood educator and they'll tell you that clear routines and consistency are necessary for the management and developmental growth of young children. Any parent of young children can verify that repetition is an innate part of childhood, as they read the same book again for the twelfth time in a row.  Routines - even ones as simple as reading the same book repeatedly - teach the child that each time one action occurs, the same actions result. That when they hear "I think I can" the train makes it up the hill.  That when they push a toy off the table it will fall (again, and again, and again...)  That when they're hungry, they will have food, and when they're stinky, they will not have to sit in it.  They learn, through all these repetitions, that you, the caregiver, are dependable.

Coming from an environment of abuse or neglect means that each of those tests of dependability brought different results.  Maybe the train didn't make it up the hill, I don't know because you were too busy to finish the book.  Maybe the toy doesn't always fall downward every time, but I don't know because you threw it away when I was loud.  And maybe I'm going to have to eat whatever's laying around, because last few times I was hungry, I couldn't find you.  I don't know what to expect, because I can't predict what you're going to do next.

Something I have intentionally done with our children from the very start has been to create routines in the little, seemingly unimportant things, so that they can learn that when we do or say this, then this will happen every time. When they know that, then they can begin to trust that it extends to the extremely important things like food and toileting and medicine when they're sick.  So, in the hopes that it may help someone else, I thought to write out some of our routines here.  (Feel free to skip to the bottom if it gets boring, I put a little bit more there. This is mostly for me.)

In no particular order:


Car routine: 
SU3.025 was originally the most dependable one, so we would all walk out, I'd open the door for him to have him climb into his seat, and then I would walk around and buckle in SU3.11 first, otherwise he'd wander off. Buckle the buckles, pat the buckle, say "all safe!", kiss his forehead, say "watch your fingers and toes!" and shut the door.  Go back around, and repeat with the younger one.

When we arrive (usually at day care), I prep them for what will happen next by saying, "I will stay for five or ten minutes only if it's play time; if it's circle time then I have to leave."  Then I let SU3.025 out first to be the Bag Boy. He stands by the daycare door and carries the diaper bag, a Very Important Job.  Then I go unbuckle SU3.11, who often needed coaxing to get out of the car, though that's not often now.  He climbs down, and gets a big long hug. He closes the door, and gets the Very Important Job of beeping the car lock.  Then we go inside, hang up the bag, and I do what I said about staying or not.

Misc:
They each have a travel mug that's a cartoon character, and it's only "for outside or in the car". They also use it at snack time when we're on the porch.

Other things end up being done exactly the same way every time, like when we change their pull-ups, or where clothes are located, but that's done simply because it's the only way to do it given the space we have. Again, consistency is good... but pretty boring to write out here.

Terminology of places and landmarks also remain the same. Along certain routes we often point out the same things, and discuss things such as "Ronald is stuck on the bench!" (McDonald's). Each playground we frequent has a unique name that the boys came up with.

Discipline:
This primarily is a matter of manners.  We use respect with people, animals, and things. That means a small set of rules (table manners at table, no toys in the kitchen and no food in the rest of the house, kind words and actions, stop and listen and obey when we speak).

We've taught them to take deep breaths, take a break on their own, or count to ten when they're upset or want to disobey. They've both done it on their own on occasion, though not with any consistency.

If the toy is distracting you from listening/obeying, then it will have to take a break with me.  The toys get the same punishments that the boys do, though we don't hug them at the end.
 
We alternate between standard time out of sitting on the sofa or bed for three minutes/we come talk to you, and "taking a break", which is that they must go sit on the bed until they feel calm and are ready to listen/obey. They can choose when they're done, but if they come out and re-offend they go right back again.  We also follow Super Nanny's method of ending time out, where we discuss with them why they were told to sit, have them repeat back, apologize, and then hug and we say "I love you."  Then they must go and complete what they originally did not do.



Breakfast/meals:
The boys now help me set up breakfast each morning, and help Lanse set the table for dinner as well.  Whoever's closest gets the bowls/plates, then we alternate with forks/spoons, yogurt cups, drinking cups, cereal (set out each box on the floor, they take them as they come), juice and milk out of the fridge. I start water for my tea, then I ask the best behaved one which cereal they want, and get him set up, and then go help the other one. Then I make my own breakfast, and we talk about the day. After the meal, they put their dishes in the sink, though I usually have to stop them from trying to wash them.  Then they have to play quietly and nicely while I finish my breakfast (including my tea and reading my email on my phone!)

Bedtime:
The bedtime routine was adapted from Super Nanny's routine, specifically from one episode I saw where the child truly was terrified of being alone (completely applicable here!) and she allowed the parent to sit inside the room.  At 7:30, we turn off the lights except one chair-side lamp, and turn on the bedtime music, which is a great collection of international lullabies. They finish playing, clean up, or read books.  At 7:45 or 7:50 we turn the music off and walk to the hallway where the PJs are, change, go potty, get water (I put an inch of water in their cups for the Last Drink - they do not drink anything between dinner and the Last Drink), brush teeth (they brush first, then I brush their teeth. "Where does the toothpaste go?" "ON MY TEETH!!"  "Rinse and Spit!").  Then they go to bed, with only the bathroom light on nearby. We alternate nights letting each child start choosing a song. For the first while it was Jesus Loves Me and the Alphabet Song, then a few others from the CDs in the car. Now we have a range of things to chose from. One chooses a song, then the other; then each boy has bedtime prayer with each of us, and Lanse goes out and closes the door.

And then Super Nanny begins. At first I explained what behavior I wanted from them, said, "Good night, I love you, it's bedtime", and then sat huddled up on the floor by the closet trying to be a piece of furniture.  On the first infraction I say, "OK, boys, it's bedtime." On the second, I leave the room. They completely ignored me and went crazy the first week, and somehow it then evolved into a routine of question/response.  Now I say, "OK, boys, you know how this works!" They hurriedly and loudly say, "If you're talking, crying, bouncing, crazy, or get out of bed, you'll JUST HAVE TO LEAVE!" (Originally it was just talking, crying and bouncing, since those things they could not seem to quit; the other two they added themselves.)  In the first few weeks of this I did, in fact, leave the room twice; that's all it took before they behaved. After they finish telling me how it works, I say the "Good night... it's bedtime" part, and it's instant quiet.  I'm currently in the process of weaning them off of my presence, since my leaving indicated to them that they messed up somehow. But at the start, I stayed until they were both asleep... up to over an hour if necessary. Trust growing. And if I told them I had to go do something and would come back to check on them, I made sure to do it while they were still semi-conscious, so they knew I kept my promise.  Now I can step out after two minutes and they're out quickly.

The Day (when they're home all day)
Interestingly, they seem to think that the part of the day before nap and the part after are two different days.  So I created a 24 hour clock with pictures of each activity and put it on the wall, with a clock hand made of painter's tape that they can move.  They're slowly getting the idea.

6:30 - 7:30 - wake up, Lanse gets them changed and dressed while I get ready. On good days they'll play quietly and let us "sleep" until nearly 8:00.
7:30 - 9:00 - breakfast; sometimes they'll eat it all at once, sometimes they do their best and come back later; food all goes away at 9:00.  Breakfast time also includes a discussion of what's going on today, tomorrow, and what happened yesterday.
9:00-10:30 - play. Some days it's therapy time, some days I chose specific things like playdoh, other days (like yesterday) it's free play or kick-em-outside time.
10:30 - snack. Usually something healthy, plus crackers. Any time the weather's amenable, all snacks are taken on the screen porch. If they snack on the porch, they can play and eat at the same time; food taken inside is done sitting at the table with no toys.
10:45 - 11:30 - more play
11:30 - 12:00 - lunch; I tend to choose small portions of many types of food. Typical lunch may be three or four (or more) slices of deli lunch meat, a large pickle or a serving of veggies, a cheese stick, half a single serving tub of yogurt, and a few crackers (to serve as the bread for the meat). At each meal they choose between milk and water, at breakfast they can have juice but only three half-cups (about 3-4 oz) max.
12:00 - go to nap. Lanse takes a break from work to help SU3.11, I help SU3.025; each goes to the bathroom, then SU3.11 sleeps in the sensory-deprived dark room (our bedroom) on the sofa, and falls asleep pretty independently. SU3.025 needs me to complete the bedtime routine with him ("Good night, I love you, it's naptime"); in the case of naps, I almost always have to sit with him until he's asleep or he lays awake playing with his toes for hours waiting for me to come back.
After nap - 4:00 - snack, (see above, this snack tends to have a veg or cheese stick depending on lunch and goldfish crackers), then more free play.
4:00 - 6:00 - Daddy Lanse play time; this is when I clean, organize paperwork, make phone calls, or review the home finances.
6:00(ish) - dinner (this is the least consistent timing we have due to evening commitments or lack of proper planning between me figuring out supper and Lanse taking them out on walks or us all going to a playground).
After dinner - 7:45ish - play, and cleaning up.  On Sundays we look at the magnetic calendar during this time to discuss the coming week.
7:45 - sleep - bedtime routine


The Week:
This is put up on our magnetic calendar, with pictures I printed and stuck to magnet strip. We don't have the eggs or pancakes, but we do add other things like birthdays and holidays to the calendar.

Sunday: eggs for breakfast, cooked by Daddy Lanse; Church; review the coming week
Monday: play with Miss Maria
Tuesday: daycare
Wednesday: play with Miss Angel
Thursday: play with Miss Mollie; Choir practice/nursery play in p.m.
Friday: daycare
Saturday: pancakes and chocolate milk for breakfast, cooked by Mommy Jessica; go out somewhere to play

Some weeks we add a third day of daycare, and the therapist meets them there.


I have to say, routine fits me.  I feel much more confident and less panicked when I know what's going on; though I also feel a lot more rushed - and therefore grouchy - when the routine means we're leaving the house at a specific time.  I know the boys act a lot better and feel more settled when we stick to these routines.  And sometimes, the oddest things throw them off... tonight is going to be warm, so Lanse "let them" leave their daytime t-shirts on as sleep shirts, thinking it'd be fun for them. SU3.025 sobbed when he realized it was "Good night... it's bedtime" and we "didn't let" him change into his PJs. Inconsequential, and quite easily fixed, but we're often surprised by something that matters to them that we never realized. 

Routine matters, especially in the little things. It builds trust, which is what these kids - and all kids - desperately need in order to build self-esteem and be able to succeed.  As they've gained trust, these boys have blossomed amazingly, and accomplished amazing things in an extremely short time.  Feel free to try it with your own.

Land of Confusion

Unfortunately, I'm not talking about a Genesis song, I'm talking about our life.  Our six week placement is now running a week past four months, and while things appear to be rolling forward, it's potentially across different ground than we first supposed.  But we really don't know, and we continue to pretend that we're their forever home so that we can complete required things like pre-registering for school, and we continue to pretend they're going home tomorrow so that we can emotionally keep the distance we need to keep for when they do.  Completely crazy.  Next Thursday we will go to court to speak on their behalf. It was supposed to be the day that dad gained custody, but he has been unable to meet the requirements set within the time frame for him to do so.  Court will still be held, in order to begin paperwork for freeing them for adoption.  We are wobbling all over the emotional spectrum when we think of that, so we're mostly poking it gently to see it wobble or trying to ignore it until the Judge has his say and things are more definite.

Since our last post, SU2.10 is now SU3.025. He had a birthday!  Since we're allowed to visit with their dad whenever we (all) care to arrange it, we had a nice little cake and presents at McDonald's [never had SO MUCH McD's in my LIFE, but it's the only indoor playground we know of].  SU3.11's birthday is next month, so we'll be having a joint friends party next weekend at the park and hopefully we'll see dad again at the end of the month.

SU3.11 is now mostly potty trained, which is a God-send in more than one way... not being potty trained meant that daycare required he stay in the 2 yr old classroom,  which was strongly contributing to delays in social and language skills.  He moved up this week, and then his new teacher had to go to a funeral, so hopefully he'll get more of a feel for her style next week.  Unfortunately, they both need (in both my parental and professional opinion) to go to daycare 3+ mornings a week for therapeutic purposes but the state only pays for daycare if both of us are employed.  So we only schedule what fits our budget.

There've been a lot of transitions in the last two weeks, in large part due to the birthday. In SC (I don't know if this is national), there's one therapy service provider for kids ages 0 through 3, and when they turn 3, they test them and release them to a different agency. SU3.025 tested way beyond developmental level - frankly, he's brilliant - and so all of his therapies except one stopped on his birthday.  Both boys have suddenly made enormous strides in their skills, finally feeling safe enough to begin to build self-confidence.

We also began taking them to a counselor for play therapy to process trauma, something that the state does not consider necessary for foster children as far as we can tell [can anyone tell me why they have an emotional therapist on staff for adoptable children but not for foster kids??), and also something that Medicaid does not pay for for young children.  (They do cover "mental health" but if we're specifically looking for play therapy, it's up to each therapist if they accept it, and none of the ones I can find do.) Play therapy focuses on the therapist or parent (there's a 'do it at home' version, called filial therapy) allowing the child to choose the play, and using the time simply to learn the child's groove. Allow them to do whatever they like, given the toys and environment that you've carefully arranged, and they begin to act out what's inside of them. We've already seen some very concerning patterns in the play for both boys, but part of the (very difficult) process is not drawing any conclusions.  It's simply the safe environment to allow them to process.  It also exhausts them, so the day of and the day after are usually pretty awful behaviorally.

Finally, we've also been sick.  Two weeks ago tonight the stomach flu began, and didn't end until last Friday.  We had two days off and SU3.11 started coughing and then spiked a fever on Wednesday night.  Now SU3.025 is coughing, though no one went to bed tonight with a fever.  The weather's also been wacky, which doesn't help.

Whereas they used to be all one thing or another, now we're a pretty even mix of behaviors edging towards (at least the last few days) good choices. I was able to kick them outside (79 degrees and sunshine!) all morning yesterday and they played nicely while I did laundry and other things.  I was really proud of them.  So we're getting there.

Please keep praying!