Disruptions & Respite

Still no updates on the children we've submitted requests on; however, there is an unavoidable and unfortunate reason. Bert's been working with a couple of disruption situations, which is really really tough. A disruption is when a child has been adopted and, through no fault of the family's (either the behavior had been hidden or the child hasn't done these things before), end up being too difficult to handle and so the family has to back out, or "disrupt", the adoption. It's not something that's ever done lightly, and in most cases I've heard of it's due to an older child who starts acting in ways that are dangerous to other children in the home. I'm sure there are other reasons as well, but it's heartbreaking for everyone involved. While I'm frustrated with the slow pace on our behalf I have to think of these kids Bert's been dealing with the last couple of weeks, who have been through so much personal trauma that they intentionally create unmanageable family life in their adoptive homes, and the families who have been taken unaware and are having to make some pretty horrible decisions and deal with some pretty horrible repercussions.


There are also situations in which a newly adopted or foster child takes more to parent than the family expected, and so (like any new parent) they could occasionally use a break to get some rest or clean the house or whatever. Bert called this morning to broach the idea of us providing respite care for local Bethany families, at least until we find our own child. Basically, this is babysitting... the children are already adopted, but have issues that we've already been trained in through our foster/adoption sessions. Respite can be anywhere from a one time gig of a couple of hours, or it could be a weekend every so often... but anything longer than one weekend is considered foster care, so it'd be filed differently... and we're not going that route.

On the risk side, we'd have a possibly high-maintenance child we've never met living in our home for an hour or a weekend or anything in between, which is pretty much the definition of foster care (though that can run longer). Plus, we'd need to finish buying the furniture for the back bedroom.

On the benefits side, unlike foster care, these kids are already adopted so we wouldn't get emotionally attached to the possibility that they could be our children. We can always say no at any time, we state how much time we can take them for and what kind of problems we're willing to have in our home, we would get a first-hand look at the experiences of children coming from the system, and the "parenting" experience would be added to our adoption file to help bulk out the resume (so to speak). It's basically a cross between babysitting and an unpaid internship. We'd also get to know other local Bethany families, which is cool. And we'd be better care for the child than just a babysitter because we're trained for many potential behaviors, and we have no other children in the home which gives the child one-on-one attention that they desperately need and no one else to harm if they act out with younger children (unfortunately common in some situations). So it'd be beneficial to us, the child, and the child's adoptive family, in more ways than one.

We haven't sat down to talk about it yet; though I think I know what I'd like to do, it's obviously something that we both have to talk through and agree upon. It's entirely up to us, but Bert would like not only an answer to the question but also a brief summary of how we come to our answer. I think it's part of her need to get to know more about how we think and process things, perhaps a brief social-worker test on communication? In any case, it helps her to help us choose our own child when she knows more about us. But considering how often Lanse and I finish each other's sentences or converse with "You know, the thing..." "Oh yeah, with the whatsit...", I think summarizing it will be the hardest part of the process, whatever decision we make!

Prayer requests:
Pray for these two children who may be leaving their adoptive homes, their families, and for Bert trying to juggle all these different situations for everybody's best interest.

Pray for clear communication and wisdom as we talk and decide on whether or not we're open to providing respite care.

Pray that if we feel God lead us to open our home for respite care, He will provide funds or furniture and supplies in a very obvious way that points it towards that purpose.

Pray that God continues to reassure us that He's got things on track for the placement of our own child, and that He'll grant us patience in the meantime.

End of August

When you've been, in a way, commissioned to find a child through the means we have, including weekly (or more, as the spirit leads) perusals through the entire list in my last post, you find your strength and emotional level both flow somewhat like a roller coaster. One day I wake up with amazing motivation, the desire to Get Stuff Done plows me right into the heart of the photolistings for hours on end. After a while it slows to where I'll idly load up the national listings or regional exchange sites while chatting with my husband or watching a show. And then I wake up the next morning suddenly overwhelmed with the realization that after all that work we still have nothing to show for it, and I just can not do this right now. But that's okay. I don't have to. The pressure is self-applied, so it's entirely up to me if I take a vacation.

So right now, aside from a request on two kids early last week, I'm on (the hopefully tail end of) a so far two week vacation. Vacations should probably be brief, as the kind of children we're searching for are only listed momentarily and we don't want to miss any opportunities. I've just touched base with Bert in hopes of good news; while there really wasn't any with her, I did hear that the siblings I wrote of at the beginning of the month had to postpone their meeting with the family member until the beginning of September, so they're still not making any decisions for them yet. More waiting. But the news came from my direct contact with the children's agency person, who seemed quite excited that I found it worthwhile to follow up and encouraged me to do so as often as I'd like. Building personal connections appears to be quite a lot of what it's about.

I'm getting nervous about the amount of time I've spent away from the photolistings, but also recognize that it'll do more damage in the long run if I burn out. I'm marking the upcoming long weekend as a goal date to take at least one more spin through each of those listings, preferably two; tonight and probably next Thursday as Wednesday seems to be a pretty common "update the website" day for the exchanges. My school classes begin again after Labor Day, so hopefully I can maintain some kind of homework/photolisting/everything else schedule through the next semester. I value any and all prayers for motivation and energy!

Photolistings

I'm going to put these links here so that I know where they are. If any adopting families are reading this, feel free to use them.

My social worker pointed us to Comeunity.org for their comprehensive list of photolistings. However, a lot of the links were broken, so I did some Googling to update stuff. This is my current list of state-specific websites; if a state does not have a link it means I could not track down anything through their DSS page.

All state's kids are listed at AdoptUSKids.org, but if a state has an asterisk* it means their DSS page links directly there.

The List - States are linked, URL listed to show you where you're going.

*Alabama
Alaska http://www.nwae.org/wait-aka.html
Arizona http://www.aask-az.org/mediagallery/index.html
Arkansas http://www.arkansas.gov/dhs/adoption/adoption.html
California http://www.cakidsconnection.com/FindChild.php
*Colorado http://www.adoptex.org/site/PageServer?pagename=wchildform
*Connecticut
*Delaware http://kids.delaware.gov/heartgallery/heartgallery.shtml
*DC
Florida http://www.dcf.state.fl.us/adoption/search/indexnew.asp
Georgia http://167.193.144.179/mtnmenu2.asp
Idaho http://www.idahowednesdayschild.org/index.php
Idaho 2 http://www.nwae.org/wait-id.html
*Illinois
Indiana - broken link on dss
Iowa http://www.iakids.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=kids.list
Kansas https://www.adoptkskids.org/Ad_Exch_Quick_Search.aspx
Kentucky https://apps.chfs.ky.gov/snap/
*Louisiana http://www.dss.state.la.us/index.cfm?md=newsroom&tmp=category&catID=4
Maine http://www.afamilyforme.org/heart.html
*Maryland http://adoption.marylandmare.org/
Massachusetts http://extranet.mareinc.org/logon.aspx
Michigan http://www.mare.org/WaitChild.html
Minnesota http://www.mnadopt.org/meetthekids.html
Minnesota 2 http://www10.co.hennepin.mn.us/csp/Adoptions/refinesearch.csp
Minnesota 3 http://www.co.ramsey.mn.us/hs/adoption/waitingchildren.htm
Mississippi - no dss link
Missouri http://www.kcchildren.org/
Missouri 2 http://www.adoptex.org/site/PageServer?pagename=wchildform
*Montana
Nebraska http://www.hhss.ne.gov/adoption/children.htm
Nebraska 2 http://www.nebraskaheartgallery.org/heartgallery.htm
Nevada http://www.co.washoe.nv.us/socsrv/socsrv_child_adoption_recruit.html
Nevada 2 http://www.adoptex.org/site/PageServer?pagename=wchildform
*New Jersey
New Mexico http://www.heartgallerynm.org/child_all
New Mexico 2 http://www.adoptex.org/site/PageServer?pagename=wchildform
New York https://apps.ocfs.ny.gov/Adoption/Child/Search/Demographic.aspx
*North Carolina
*North Dakota
*Ohio
Ohio 2 http://www.athenschildrenservices.com/children
Ohio 3 http://www.co.franklin.oh.us/children_services/adoption/adoptable-kids/
Ohio 4 http://www.hcjfs.hamilton-co.org/hckids/
Ohio 5 http://www.marionkids.com/fosteradopt.htm
Ohio 6 http://www.co.stark.oh.us/internet/HOME.DisplayPage?v_page=djfs_adoption
Ohio 7 http://www.summitkids.org/FosterCareAdoption/ChildProfiles/tabid/77/Default.aspx
Ohio 8 http://www.sanduskycountydjfs.org/chsvc.htm
*Oklahoma http://www.adoptex.org/site/PageServer?pagename=wchildform
Oregon http://boysandgirlsaid.org/programs/meet-wendys-wonderful-kids/
Oregon 2 http://www.nwae.org/wait-or.html
Pennsylvania http://www.adoptpakids.org/hgLanding.asp
Rhode Island http://www.adoptionri.org/photolisting.html
*South Carolina http://www.scheartgallery.org/
South Dakota http://www.adoptex.org/site/PageServer?pagename=wchildform
South Dakota 2 http://dss.sd.gov/adoption/childrenwaiting/
*Tennessee
Texas http://tare.dfps.state.tx.us/search
Utah http://www.adoptex.org/site/PageServer?pagename=wchildform
Utah 2 https://www.utdcfsadopt.org/docs/f.search.php
Vermont http://dcf.vermont.gov/projectfamily/adopting/children
*Virginia http://www.dss.virginia.gov/family/ap/heart_galleries/index.cgi
Washington http://www.nwae.org/wait-wa.html
West Virginia http://www.wvdhhr.org/oss/adoption/arn/search.cfm
Wisconsin http://www.adoptionresourcesofwi.org/lib/kids.asp?bog=1&Beh=3&Lea=3&Dev=3&Phy=3&Emo=3
Wyoming http://www.adoptex.org/site/PageServer?pagename=wchildform

National Listings

CAP: http://www.capbook.org/meet.asp
Adopt America Network: http://www.adoptamericanetwork.org/2003/children.html
AdoptUSKids: http://www.adoptuskids.org/Child/ChildSearch.aspx
Photolistings.com: http://photolisting.adoption.com/foster-adoption/advanced/

Another sibling inquiry + waiting

I'm slowly finding a routine in checking photolistings and figuring out how each state's page looks and how to click the buttons faster. This is a good thing, since there's so many of them! ComeUnity.com (sounds like 'community', I'd imagine) has a catalog of national, state, and international photolistings, so I can spend a whole day just going through their list. Last night just before bed I went from A-N (because Ohio has 7 different sites and I wanted to start with that today.) For whatever reason I started over at L this morning and when I got to the Ms, there were two new siblings ages 2 and 5 who weren't there last night (and are so adorable... no, stop it, no falling in love with pictures, Jessica! Sigh.)

This website didn't have a 'click to inquire' button so I had to call, and I did so around 11:00 this morning. The nice lady who answered the phone told me that their person was on another line and could she please call me back? So I left my number, and went on my way tapping my fingers nervously. I hadn't heard back by 4:00 so I gave another call... a different nice lady answered and said their person was on another line. I explained that I had called this morning and she was on the phone then too, and that I was fine waiting if I had to but could I please have an email address to send my homestudy to so we could speed things up a little bit. She hesitated, explained that the lady had been on the phone the entire day with inquiries on these two kids, and that they had just updated the website to put them on hold!

But... because I had called this morning, she gave me an email address... and the kids' "person" called me back about half an hour later.

With the information we have so far, it sounds like a good match. However, there's a family member who may want them, and family always comes first. They are gathering homestudies to have faster options if that family member says no, but we wait until the end of August to find that out. The person I spoke with was "their person" at the... agency?... recruiting place?... I'm not sure what that organization's role is... but the children's DSS social worker will get our study from them tomorrow morning. Apparently we have a few specific things that they're looking for that other folks she talked with didn't.

In the meantime, though, we have 7 different cases we're waiting to hear back on, 4 of which are sibling groups of 2. We wait. And we wait some more. And send an email, or make a call, and wait to hear back, and then maybe we'll wait a bit. While this process has always been one of waiting, the latest governmental budgetary choices have cut social worker salaries and hours and laid off a lot of folks, so employed workers who already had too many cases now have double what they had. Makes for a whole lot more waiting... which is probably why the woman I spoke to today worked through lunch.

First Contact

Yesterday marks the first time we were contacted by a recruiter (basically contracted social workers) for a child we did not know about. This is a good thing in a general sense; we wanted to get our name out there so that this exact thing could happen. There is a six month old girl available in Oregon, and this woman thought of us. The tricky thing is that the baby's birth parents and siblings/half-siblings (already adopted separately) have or show evidence of various health concerns that are difficult, if not impossible, to diagnose in a 6 month old baby.

So what happens is that first the recruiter gave us a small sampling of the information she had in her initial email. We replied that we were interested in more info, and she gave us the rest of what she had. But she's just a recruiter; so this afternoon (after consulting a few people) we decided to agree to submitting our home study to the baby's social worker. That worker will give us just a little bit more information, and then when they're done waiting for home study submissions they'll choose three or so (depends on the state) as finalists who will get a lot more information. The baby will be going through formal developmental evaluations "in August" (meaning 3 weeks or 7, we don't know) to determine if she needs any diagnoses or meds or whatever. At that point, if we're still in the running, we'll be able to know the results of that evaluation... I think. We can back out at any time... I think they're less strict about visitations and whatnot when the child is younger, so that's in our favor... especially since she's across the country... but again, depends on the state.

That's what's up right now. We're walking the balance of wanting to hope but not allowing it because there's so many variables and enough concerns to weigh in the situation, but quite a few things in its favor that we hadn't expected to open to us. Please pump up the prayer volume while we're "proceeding with extreme caution", both emotionally and with the actual paperwork and decision making.