Land of Confusion

Unfortunately, I'm not talking about a Genesis song, I'm talking about our life.  Our six week placement is now running a week past four months, and while things appear to be rolling forward, it's potentially across different ground than we first supposed.  But we really don't know, and we continue to pretend that we're their forever home so that we can complete required things like pre-registering for school, and we continue to pretend they're going home tomorrow so that we can emotionally keep the distance we need to keep for when they do.  Completely crazy.  Next Thursday we will go to court to speak on their behalf. It was supposed to be the day that dad gained custody, but he has been unable to meet the requirements set within the time frame for him to do so.  Court will still be held, in order to begin paperwork for freeing them for adoption.  We are wobbling all over the emotional spectrum when we think of that, so we're mostly poking it gently to see it wobble or trying to ignore it until the Judge has his say and things are more definite.

Since our last post, SU2.10 is now SU3.025. He had a birthday!  Since we're allowed to visit with their dad whenever we (all) care to arrange it, we had a nice little cake and presents at McDonald's [never had SO MUCH McD's in my LIFE, but it's the only indoor playground we know of].  SU3.11's birthday is next month, so we'll be having a joint friends party next weekend at the park and hopefully we'll see dad again at the end of the month.

SU3.11 is now mostly potty trained, which is a God-send in more than one way... not being potty trained meant that daycare required he stay in the 2 yr old classroom,  which was strongly contributing to delays in social and language skills.  He moved up this week, and then his new teacher had to go to a funeral, so hopefully he'll get more of a feel for her style next week.  Unfortunately, they both need (in both my parental and professional opinion) to go to daycare 3+ mornings a week for therapeutic purposes but the state only pays for daycare if both of us are employed.  So we only schedule what fits our budget.

There've been a lot of transitions in the last two weeks, in large part due to the birthday. In SC (I don't know if this is national), there's one therapy service provider for kids ages 0 through 3, and when they turn 3, they test them and release them to a different agency. SU3.025 tested way beyond developmental level - frankly, he's brilliant - and so all of his therapies except one stopped on his birthday.  Both boys have suddenly made enormous strides in their skills, finally feeling safe enough to begin to build self-confidence.

We also began taking them to a counselor for play therapy to process trauma, something that the state does not consider necessary for foster children as far as we can tell [can anyone tell me why they have an emotional therapist on staff for adoptable children but not for foster kids??), and also something that Medicaid does not pay for for young children.  (They do cover "mental health" but if we're specifically looking for play therapy, it's up to each therapist if they accept it, and none of the ones I can find do.) Play therapy focuses on the therapist or parent (there's a 'do it at home' version, called filial therapy) allowing the child to choose the play, and using the time simply to learn the child's groove. Allow them to do whatever they like, given the toys and environment that you've carefully arranged, and they begin to act out what's inside of them. We've already seen some very concerning patterns in the play for both boys, but part of the (very difficult) process is not drawing any conclusions.  It's simply the safe environment to allow them to process.  It also exhausts them, so the day of and the day after are usually pretty awful behaviorally.

Finally, we've also been sick.  Two weeks ago tonight the stomach flu began, and didn't end until last Friday.  We had two days off and SU3.11 started coughing and then spiked a fever on Wednesday night.  Now SU3.025 is coughing, though no one went to bed tonight with a fever.  The weather's also been wacky, which doesn't help.

Whereas they used to be all one thing or another, now we're a pretty even mix of behaviors edging towards (at least the last few days) good choices. I was able to kick them outside (79 degrees and sunshine!) all morning yesterday and they played nicely while I did laundry and other things.  I was really proud of them.  So we're getting there.

Please keep praying!

Quick update

I love naptime, and I need one myself so I'll make this quick.  We are now in the midst of week 7 with our two boys, whom Lanse has named Small Unit B and Small Unit L.  I'm going to adapt that to be SU and their ages, so that everyone can have a better understanding of accomplishments.

Weeks one and two were what we call "the Honeymoon period", although for SU2.10 it was closer to one week long.  This is when they eat everything we give them, obey everything we tell them to do, use all their manners every time, and generally aim to please.  Once they began to feel comfortable with us and know the routine, the tantrums and testing began.  The next couple of weeks involved starting day care, managing screaming and biting, learning what foods they actually don't like, and figuring out why each behavior occurred.

The most frustrating thing for us with young kids who have been through trauma is that there are so many possibilities behind why they do what they do. Are they being a toddler/delayed preschooler in an appropriate "terrible twos" sort of way?  Is this an abandonment or lack of attachment rage?  Are they truly not understanding our request due to the environment effects and drug exposure from their birth home?  Our responses to each of these must be different to some extent, but their behavior in each case is often identical.  We've spent the last few weeks coming to know the boys better and learn to identify the causes of their different moods.

Now we are in the midst of what feels like a major change.  We took the boys with us to our Thanksgiving family reunion, whereat illness took over SU3.9 for a bit, and they returned different boys.  They are affectionate, conversational, they are willing to discuss their feelings and suggest things they can do to let out their anger. SU2.10 is now able to stop himself momentarily mid-rage and change direction to something more healthy. In the last two weeks we have been able to count tantrums per week instead of per day.  They have been running joyfully to their day care classroom, and succeeding wonderfully there.

And last, but definitely not least, they have begun to call me Mommy.  This makes me a bit uncomfortable, since they have a mommy they remember. But they won't be seeing her and they are at an age where they really need that word to mean something good, so I'm going with the flow.  They tried calling Lanse Daddy, but they see their daddy regularly, so now we're trying out "Daddy Lanse", which is catching on. 

At this point, we still don't know when they are returning to their dad.  We thought last week, then we thought this week, and now we don't know.  So we keep on keeping on, managing many appointments and therapies, keeping up in day care, and preparing for Christmas.

Thank you for all your loving support. We continue to covet your prayers! 

Just a bit busy...

After receiving our foster license in March, we waited around for a while getting depressed and feeling sorry for ourselves.  We should have known better, because we now can't wait for a good time to shower or sleep! 

Just over a week ago we brought two boys into our home, ages 2 and 3.  They're very active kids, and we try to keep up.  But thank God that once we get them to settle down, they sleep all night!  This is the first time, however, that I've had a chance to sit down at the computer since they arrived.  A lot of you are hearing from us on Facebook, but I never replaced my old computer, and I'm doing FB from my smart phone, which is a bit more pain-inducing to blog on. 

Anyway, we don't know how long the boys will be with us, and we probably won't get much warning when they leave, but in the meantime we're having a lot of fun getting to know them and helping them meet goals and conquer fears.

They've also helped us identify gaps in our supplies.  We have no acceptable outdoor toddler/preschool toys (trike, large bouncy balls, t-ball or kids croquet, that kind of thing).  Matching bath toys so we don't have to fight over them in a slippery location.  And then there's just basic holes in my supplies like not having any kids' safety scissors or building blocks, despite a large art box and a closet full of toys.  So they're being very helpful!

Please continue to pray for us as each cumulative day of not enough sleep and loud demanding voices are wearing us down. Pray that we will wake refreshed and joyful each day and be able to understand what the boys really need when their actions don't reflect it.

Also, please keep in mind that due to the nature of this process we can't discuss their family details or post pictures online.  We very much appreciate your continued prayers for the boys' parents as well, and thank you for not pressing for additional details.  In our search for support and a shoulder to lean on, we will be freely sharing as much as we are legally able, as long as it is in the boys' best interests.

First arrival

In this case, it's the arrival of our foster license!  Our worker called today to say that it's arrived. She will mail it if she can't find a time to bring it over herself.  Then we'll (hopefully) get either more information or a call for a kiddo.  Hurray!

I've been substitute teaching at the preschool level for the last few weeks, three days a week or so. We've got some pretty tough kids, and it's made me nervous.  Please pray that both our worker and we will have wisdom and discernment to accept children into our home that are a perfect match for our abilities and their needs and that He will fill us both with confidence!

Thanks!

News?

Our foster care social worker called yesterday asking to meet with us for a home visit, but I had my phone off while I was teaching and missed the call, then I called back and left a message, so I'm waiting to hear back from her. I don't know if it's a regularly scheduled visit or if there's News. In the meantime, we ought to finish installing the gate and I need to tidy up a few different areas that we've been lax about.

That's all that's going on so far. Keep praying!