I'm slowly finding a routine in checking photolistings and figuring out how each state's page looks and how to click the buttons faster. This is a good thing, since there's so many of them! ComeUnity.com (sounds like 'community', I'd imagine) has a catalog of national, state, and international photolistings, so I can spend a whole day just going through their list. Last night just before bed I went from A-N (because Ohio has 7 different sites and I wanted to start with that today.) For whatever reason I started over at L this morning and when I got to the Ms, there were two new siblings ages 2 and 5 who weren't there last night (and are so adorable... no, stop it, no falling in love with pictures, Jessica! Sigh.)
This website didn't have a 'click to inquire' button so I had to call, and I did so around 11:00 this morning. The nice lady who answered the phone told me that their person was on another line and could she please call me back? So I left my number, and went on my way tapping my fingers nervously. I hadn't heard back by 4:00 so I gave another call... a different nice lady answered and said their person was on another line. I explained that I had called this morning and she was on the phone then too, and that I was fine waiting if I had to but could I please have an email address to send my homestudy to so we could speed things up a little bit. She hesitated, explained that the lady had been on the phone the entire day with inquiries on these two kids, and that they had just updated the website to put them on hold!
But... because I had called this morning, she gave me an email address... and the kids' "person" called me back about half an hour later.
With the information we have so far, it sounds like a good match. However, there's a family member who may want them, and family always comes first. They are gathering homestudies to have faster options if that family member says no, but we wait until the end of August to find that out. The person I spoke with was "their person" at the... agency?... recruiting place?... I'm not sure what that organization's role is... but the children's DSS social worker will get our study from them tomorrow morning. Apparently we have a few specific things that they're looking for that other folks she talked with didn't.
In the meantime, though, we have 7 different cases we're waiting to hear back on, 4 of which are sibling groups of 2. We wait. And we wait some more. And send an email, or make a call, and wait to hear back, and then maybe we'll wait a bit. While this process has always been one of waiting, the latest governmental budgetary choices have cut social worker salaries and hours and laid off a lot of folks, so employed workers who already had too many cases now have double what they had. Makes for a whole lot more waiting... which is probably why the woman I spoke to today worked through lunch.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
First Contact
Yesterday marks the first time we were contacted by a recruiter (basically contracted social workers) for a child we did not know about. This is a good thing in a general sense; we wanted to get our name out there so that this exact thing could happen. There is a six month old girl available in Oregon, and this woman thought of us. The tricky thing is that the baby's birth parents and siblings/half-siblings (already adopted separately) have or show evidence of various health concerns that are difficult, if not impossible, to diagnose in a 6 month old baby.
So what happens is that first the recruiter gave us a small sampling of the information she had in her initial email. We replied that we were interested in more info, and she gave us the rest of what she had. But she's just a recruiter; so this afternoon (after consulting a few people) we decided to agree to submitting our home study to the baby's social worker. That worker will give us just a little bit more information, and then when they're done waiting for home study submissions they'll choose three or so (depends on the state) as finalists who will get a lot more information. The baby will be going through formal developmental evaluations "in August" (meaning 3 weeks or 7, we don't know) to determine if she needs any diagnoses or meds or whatever. At that point, if we're still in the running, we'll be able to know the results of that evaluation... I think. We can back out at any time... I think they're less strict about visitations and whatnot when the child is younger, so that's in our favor... especially since she's across the country... but again, depends on the state.
That's what's up right now. We're walking the balance of wanting to hope but not allowing it because there's so many variables and enough concerns to weigh in the situation, but quite a few things in its favor that we hadn't expected to open to us. Please pump up the prayer volume while we're "proceeding with extreme caution", both emotionally and with the actual paperwork and decision making.
So what happens is that first the recruiter gave us a small sampling of the information she had in her initial email. We replied that we were interested in more info, and she gave us the rest of what she had. But she's just a recruiter; so this afternoon (after consulting a few people) we decided to agree to submitting our home study to the baby's social worker. That worker will give us just a little bit more information, and then when they're done waiting for home study submissions they'll choose three or so (depends on the state) as finalists who will get a lot more information. The baby will be going through formal developmental evaluations "in August" (meaning 3 weeks or 7, we don't know) to determine if she needs any diagnoses or meds or whatever. At that point, if we're still in the running, we'll be able to know the results of that evaluation... I think. We can back out at any time... I think they're less strict about visitations and whatnot when the child is younger, so that's in our favor... especially since she's across the country... but again, depends on the state.
That's what's up right now. We're walking the balance of wanting to hope but not allowing it because there's so many variables and enough concerns to weigh in the situation, but quite a few things in its favor that we hadn't expected to open to us. Please pump up the prayer volume while we're "proceeding with extreme caution", both emotionally and with the actual paperwork and decision making.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
God-appointed Agency
We have so many options available to us through this whole thing. One option we have is to purchase our home study from Bethany and go to another agency (different programs or prices) or try to do it all on our own with the help of an adoption lawyer. In the evening I was thinking and praying about a couple of other agencies I'd heard about and thought I might do some research, but then never got around to it.
Before bed I was having my devotions. I'm reading Matthew right now, I was on chapter 21. Keep in mind that although I've read this before and I know the overall plot, I don't have it all memorized, so I usually don't know what verse is coming next. I read a verse about children which made me pause and think about the adoption again (just from the topic, it wasn't a directional kind of verse). I prayed that, even though this chapter didn't seem to directly apply, God would use it to show us direction. I thought of the agency option momentarily, ("Hey, God, what do You think about this idea?") and then re-focused to read this:
"Then [Jesus] left them and went out of the city to Bethany*, and He lodged there." (v. 17)
Oh, okay then, I'll quit looking elsewhere. Thanks, God!
*for those of you just tuning in, although Bethany is a town in Bible times, it's also the name of our agency.
Before bed I was having my devotions. I'm reading Matthew right now, I was on chapter 21. Keep in mind that although I've read this before and I know the overall plot, I don't have it all memorized, so I usually don't know what verse is coming next. I read a verse about children which made me pause and think about the adoption again (just from the topic, it wasn't a directional kind of verse). I prayed that, even though this chapter didn't seem to directly apply, God would use it to show us direction. I thought of the agency option momentarily, ("Hey, God, what do You think about this idea?") and then re-focused to read this:
"Then [Jesus] left them and went out of the city to Bethany*, and He lodged there." (v. 17)
Oh, okay then, I'll quit looking elsewhere. Thanks, God!
*for those of you just tuning in, although Bethany is a town in Bible times, it's also the name of our agency.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Ideas from Father Mike and two quotes
1. It's rarely coincidence when two people prayerfully making one decision come to the same conclusions independently.
2. Not only does God not want us to commit our lives to misery (even if we're equipped to physically handle it), He promises to give us the desires of our hearts. Being specific in the child we want is okay. If He wants to change something about that, He can do it.
3. We need to gather more information. We've already been talking to folks about the adoption process and how it worked for them, but I don't recall conversing on the specifics of how they reached their decisions. Also, since we have the option to choose different paths, information regarding those paths may be helpful.
4. Regarding my hearing God say "She's not ready yet", Mike's first inclination was to agree that it most likely meant a child based on the situation I was in when I prayed about it. He also pointed out (without me saying so first) that it didn't say "Stop", and that in his experience God is often clear about something as specific as "Stop".
5. If our prayer does not seem to be answered, it may be that God is waiting for us to pray the right prayer. It may not be about the answer, it may be about how we are relating to Him. My experience has proven that to be the case quite a lot, and it's a perspective I hadn't considered.
I feel like he said a lot more than that, but I'm processing slowly... as we continue to pray and talk, I'll try to add what I've forgotten to this list.
Lanse's Aunt Liz pointed the family towards a blog by church folks who went to Rwanda. Though Mr. (Dr.? Rev.?) Greener said the following while en route to Africa, it really felt appropriate for the topic of adoption as well:
Elsewhere in the blog he quoted an African proverb, which I've added to my sidebar. In the whole mess of worry and searching, of seeking God's will for the future and piling on anxiety over interpretations, we can get so caught up that we miss the excitement and the joy found in the present. So in the words of the wisdom of Africa,
2. Not only does God not want us to commit our lives to misery (even if we're equipped to physically handle it), He promises to give us the desires of our hearts. Being specific in the child we want is okay. If He wants to change something about that, He can do it.
3. We need to gather more information. We've already been talking to folks about the adoption process and how it worked for them, but I don't recall conversing on the specifics of how they reached their decisions. Also, since we have the option to choose different paths, information regarding those paths may be helpful.
4. Regarding my hearing God say "She's not ready yet", Mike's first inclination was to agree that it most likely meant a child based on the situation I was in when I prayed about it. He also pointed out (without me saying so first) that it didn't say "Stop", and that in his experience God is often clear about something as specific as "Stop".
5. If our prayer does not seem to be answered, it may be that God is waiting for us to pray the right prayer. It may not be about the answer, it may be about how we are relating to Him. My experience has proven that to be the case quite a lot, and it's a perspective I hadn't considered.
I feel like he said a lot more than that, but I'm processing slowly... as we continue to pray and talk, I'll try to add what I've forgotten to this list.
Lanse's Aunt Liz pointed the family towards a blog by church folks who went to Rwanda. Though Mr. (Dr.? Rev.?) Greener said the following while en route to Africa, it really felt appropriate for the topic of adoption as well:
- Anticipation is actually a part of all journeys worth making. It’s not wasted time (unless we waste it) but is part of the discipline of orienteering—of getting our bearings before we launch. It’s a season of collecting our strength and focus and desire, while learning that we are ultimately not in control. So we wait for love to blossom, for the child to come, for the job offer, for healing and wholeness to be known, for ends and beginnings—the best things can’t be rushed or demanded, but they can be anticipated. ~Jay Greener, Redeemer Church
Elsewhere in the blog he quoted an African proverb, which I've added to my sidebar. In the whole mess of worry and searching, of seeking God's will for the future and piling on anxiety over interpretations, we can get so caught up that we miss the excitement and the joy found in the present. So in the words of the wisdom of Africa,
"Waiting should not keep you from dancing."
I urge those of you who are waiting for any reason to please join me in remembering to dance, at least a little bit.
I urge those of you who are waiting for any reason to please join me in remembering to dance, at least a little bit.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
June already...
I recently realized that I hadn't written an update here since the homestudy was finalized. While part of that is because life simply got busy, or that we needed to have experienced something to write about, another part is due to a renewed sense of discomfort about the direction we're heading in. These kinds of feelings ebb and flow for me depending on the day, and I have been told repeatedly that the process of adoption is simply uncomfortable and intrusive and anxiety-filled, so we'd been trying not to put too much stock in it. Unfortunately, it still makes it difficult to hop online and blog things out for everyone.
Since we're new to this whole process, it seems wise to hire an agency (and social worker) to help us through the legalities and understanding what steps need to be taken so that we aren't taken advantage of or make any innocent mis-steps that get us into trouble legally or financially; thus our having signed with Bethany. We're following the directions of our social worker. But we're also, of course, trying to be aware of the subtle nudgings of God for our direction - we specifically chose a Christian agency in hopes that those elements will work together. Told that we needed to get the word out, we made the flyers that I posted about before. After that first initial "campaign" (only about a week) of sharing those with everyone, I felt strangely as though I needed to forget about it... became extremely self-conscious, and still am. A few weeks later it occurred to me that a full-sheet flyer is very difficult to share physically with people, so I sat down and designed business cards at one of those free sites, with all our adoption info on it so I could carry them in my purse. I got as far as the "submit order" button and realized I was NOT supposed to be doing this.... the best I can describe it is that the uncomfortable feeling turned to a disgust feeling and an inexplicable desire to run away from my computer. God seems to be telling me not to be yelling from the rooftops quite yet, and we have no idea why.
In the meantime, we began our search for children. Children in the care of the state are usually listed in an online database that, in most cases, includes photos; the databases are called Photolistings. There are a couple of national level photolistings - adoptuskids.org and photolistings.adoption.com - that I check a few times a week. There are some regional listings and adoption exchanges that cover a small handful of states, like nwae.org that covers some states in the North-West. Each state's Department of Child Services (or family services, or whatever that state calls it) has a photolisting, and some states have a photolisting available per county instead of one for the whole state. Then there are private organizations such as the Heart Gallery, which travels around to do advertising of hard-to-place kids in a physical location like an art gallery would show art, and Wednesday's Child, which features hard-to-place kids on TV during the news in different cities. This amounts to potentially 70+ websites that we could spend time searching through; though some children are repeated (some kids on the IL site could also be on the Heart Gallery or a national photolisting, for example). The purpose of looking through photolistings is to find a child who fits your criteria; unfortunately, some states are not allowed to post much of any useful information online, or only show the kids that have been in the system the longest, while other states list every single child in the state's custody, even if they're not adoptable for some reason. So in most cases we click a button, if we see a child we want more information about, and we wait to see how their social worker responds. Sometimes the social worker may not even hear from us... some agencies and departments sub-contract to another company to handle and forward the initial inquiries.
Which brings us to part of our despondency. We have set our criteria as broadly as is realistic for our family so that, if God decides a particular child is best for us, there would be fewer human road blocks. Kind of silly, thinking that tightened boundaries would limit God... I certainly don't think I have the power to do that... and yet, it seemed right at the time. We've begun to review our criteria, and I'm struggling with guilt of 'closing doors' just to fit the kind of family that I want. As it stands, our criteria are set to cover realistically what we could handle and are trained to handle, even if we don't really want to handle it. We're trying to be realistic; we wouldn't even get any kind of choice if we were going about this a bit more traditionally. Lanse also points out that God favors the willing, so in tightening our boundaries are we childishly saying no to God? We're talking, praying, reading, seeking His will. We're seeking wise counsel... meeting with our priest on Thursday to see how he might help us interpret what we're feeling and hearing.
In the meantime, we are maintaining our present course until we hear definitively otherwise. A couple of weeks ago, I once again sat down to look through photolistings, and a sense of hopelessness and despair just washed over me; I felt that the only possible way to welcome a peaceful and fun-loving child into our home would be to seriously stress our abilities in other areas... the kind of child that we want is simply not present in the photolistings. There's a big sense that we're making due to fit a philosophy we held when we began years ago that, frankly, I'm not sure I'm as convinced of anymore. But that Sunday I had spent in meditation, praying for guidance, questioning over and over why God very clearly brought us to this moment and nothing was happening. We were stalled for no apparent reason. I sat in front of my computer with children's faces on the screen, none of them mine, feeling chained to it... I couldn't close the window or let go of this desperate need to just DO something...and suddenly the answer just dropped quietly into my head: "She's not ready yet." And suddenly I was calm again and could move on to other things.
We're meant to wait; whoever "she" is, God is doing a work in her. It could be our child (we've both night-dreamed about a girl), it could be a birth mother or a foster mother, it could be a social worker... He could even mean me, and I'm trying to carefully assess myself just in case. But we know that the entire process is one of waiting, and that message didn't tell us to stop inquiring on children or looking at photos. We were not told to stop following our social worker's direction. So we've continued to look, and at one point I even felt drawn to the computer, compelled to look... and inquired on a child who did not fit the stated criteria but it just felt right to inquire. An infant, she was listed and removed from listing in three hours and was no longer available when I spoke to her social worker. I'm not sure what the purpose of the insistant feeling was in this case, but perhaps we'll find out.
I'm keeping a database of all the children for whom we've submitted inquiries. It's important to keep track so that we don't inquire multiple times on different sites, so we know when we sent a release of information form for each child, the date we hear from their worker, the date Bert sends our homestudy, and the child's adoptability status. Today there's 32 line items in the database, with 13 sibling groups, for a total of 45 children. Of those 45, only about 5 of them are current in the last two weeks, and we've heard back on 16 of them, all not available or a poor match. The rest of them... no idea. And most of them were inquiries made in the first two weeks of May. So far, things are proceeding as we were promised... no news is simply no news.
Our social worker has also been having some difficulties which support God's plan for us to be waiting a bit. A friend of hers died out of town, when she got back from that trip the agency had installed a new email server system thing (she couldn't describe it to me very well) that made all the email bounce, and the week after that something happened at her house with electric or plumbing that meant she had to be home for someone to dig up her entire front yard. One thing after another is keeping her from working on our process.. or really that of all her clients. So we call and wait and wait and call and inquire and see what may happen next. After her email snafu, it's likely that some of the replies to our inquiries are sitting in her computer somewhere.
And that's what's happened in the last nearly-two months. This week has put an interesting spin on my thoughts, as I'm working every morning with the preschoolers (ages 3-5, our target adoption ages) at Kids' Kamp, our church's Vacation Bible School program. One of my favorite adopted kids from church (international adoption) is finally old enough to attend, and it's been a joy to have him. We'll be heading to New York for the July 4 weekend and week after, but I'll hopefully have it in me to post an update before we leave.
Please pray that we will be given peace and a firm confidence in what God wants us to do. I'm looking for an action direction, clear and precise. If He wants to initiate the Large Neon Arrow approach, that'd be fantastic. But whatever works, so long as Lanse and I are clear and of one mind.
We very much appreciate your prayers and support.
Since we're new to this whole process, it seems wise to hire an agency (and social worker) to help us through the legalities and understanding what steps need to be taken so that we aren't taken advantage of or make any innocent mis-steps that get us into trouble legally or financially; thus our having signed with Bethany. We're following the directions of our social worker. But we're also, of course, trying to be aware of the subtle nudgings of God for our direction - we specifically chose a Christian agency in hopes that those elements will work together. Told that we needed to get the word out, we made the flyers that I posted about before. After that first initial "campaign" (only about a week) of sharing those with everyone, I felt strangely as though I needed to forget about it... became extremely self-conscious, and still am. A few weeks later it occurred to me that a full-sheet flyer is very difficult to share physically with people, so I sat down and designed business cards at one of those free sites, with all our adoption info on it so I could carry them in my purse. I got as far as the "submit order" button and realized I was NOT supposed to be doing this.... the best I can describe it is that the uncomfortable feeling turned to a disgust feeling and an inexplicable desire to run away from my computer. God seems to be telling me not to be yelling from the rooftops quite yet, and we have no idea why.
In the meantime, we began our search for children. Children in the care of the state are usually listed in an online database that, in most cases, includes photos; the databases are called Photolistings. There are a couple of national level photolistings - adoptuskids.org and photolistings.adoption.com - that I check a few times a week. There are some regional listings and adoption exchanges that cover a small handful of states, like nwae.org that covers some states in the North-West. Each state's Department of Child Services (or family services, or whatever that state calls it) has a photolisting, and some states have a photolisting available per county instead of one for the whole state. Then there are private organizations such as the Heart Gallery, which travels around to do advertising of hard-to-place kids in a physical location like an art gallery would show art, and Wednesday's Child, which features hard-to-place kids on TV during the news in different cities. This amounts to potentially 70+ websites that we could spend time searching through; though some children are repeated (some kids on the IL site could also be on the Heart Gallery or a national photolisting, for example). The purpose of looking through photolistings is to find a child who fits your criteria; unfortunately, some states are not allowed to post much of any useful information online, or only show the kids that have been in the system the longest, while other states list every single child in the state's custody, even if they're not adoptable for some reason. So in most cases we click a button, if we see a child we want more information about, and we wait to see how their social worker responds. Sometimes the social worker may not even hear from us... some agencies and departments sub-contract to another company to handle and forward the initial inquiries.
Which brings us to part of our despondency. We have set our criteria as broadly as is realistic for our family so that, if God decides a particular child is best for us, there would be fewer human road blocks. Kind of silly, thinking that tightened boundaries would limit God... I certainly don't think I have the power to do that... and yet, it seemed right at the time. We've begun to review our criteria, and I'm struggling with guilt of 'closing doors' just to fit the kind of family that I want. As it stands, our criteria are set to cover realistically what we could handle and are trained to handle, even if we don't really want to handle it. We're trying to be realistic; we wouldn't even get any kind of choice if we were going about this a bit more traditionally. Lanse also points out that God favors the willing, so in tightening our boundaries are we childishly saying no to God? We're talking, praying, reading, seeking His will. We're seeking wise counsel... meeting with our priest on Thursday to see how he might help us interpret what we're feeling and hearing.
In the meantime, we are maintaining our present course until we hear definitively otherwise. A couple of weeks ago, I once again sat down to look through photolistings, and a sense of hopelessness and despair just washed over me; I felt that the only possible way to welcome a peaceful and fun-loving child into our home would be to seriously stress our abilities in other areas... the kind of child that we want is simply not present in the photolistings. There's a big sense that we're making due to fit a philosophy we held when we began years ago that, frankly, I'm not sure I'm as convinced of anymore. But that Sunday I had spent in meditation, praying for guidance, questioning over and over why God very clearly brought us to this moment and nothing was happening. We were stalled for no apparent reason. I sat in front of my computer with children's faces on the screen, none of them mine, feeling chained to it... I couldn't close the window or let go of this desperate need to just DO something...and suddenly the answer just dropped quietly into my head: "She's not ready yet." And suddenly I was calm again and could move on to other things.
We're meant to wait; whoever "she" is, God is doing a work in her. It could be our child (we've both night-dreamed about a girl), it could be a birth mother or a foster mother, it could be a social worker... He could even mean me, and I'm trying to carefully assess myself just in case. But we know that the entire process is one of waiting, and that message didn't tell us to stop inquiring on children or looking at photos. We were not told to stop following our social worker's direction. So we've continued to look, and at one point I even felt drawn to the computer, compelled to look... and inquired on a child who did not fit the stated criteria but it just felt right to inquire. An infant, she was listed and removed from listing in three hours and was no longer available when I spoke to her social worker. I'm not sure what the purpose of the insistant feeling was in this case, but perhaps we'll find out.
I'm keeping a database of all the children for whom we've submitted inquiries. It's important to keep track so that we don't inquire multiple times on different sites, so we know when we sent a release of information form for each child, the date we hear from their worker, the date Bert sends our homestudy, and the child's adoptability status. Today there's 32 line items in the database, with 13 sibling groups, for a total of 45 children. Of those 45, only about 5 of them are current in the last two weeks, and we've heard back on 16 of them, all not available or a poor match. The rest of them... no idea. And most of them were inquiries made in the first two weeks of May. So far, things are proceeding as we were promised... no news is simply no news.
Our social worker has also been having some difficulties which support God's plan for us to be waiting a bit. A friend of hers died out of town, when she got back from that trip the agency had installed a new email server system thing (she couldn't describe it to me very well) that made all the email bounce, and the week after that something happened at her house with electric or plumbing that meant she had to be home for someone to dig up her entire front yard. One thing after another is keeping her from working on our process.. or really that of all her clients. So we call and wait and wait and call and inquire and see what may happen next. After her email snafu, it's likely that some of the replies to our inquiries are sitting in her computer somewhere.
And that's what's happened in the last nearly-two months. This week has put an interesting spin on my thoughts, as I'm working every morning with the preschoolers (ages 3-5, our target adoption ages) at Kids' Kamp, our church's Vacation Bible School program. One of my favorite adopted kids from church (international adoption) is finally old enough to attend, and it's been a joy to have him. We'll be heading to New York for the July 4 weekend and week after, but I'll hopefully have it in me to post an update before we leave.
Please pray that we will be given peace and a firm confidence in what God wants us to do. I'm looking for an action direction, clear and precise. If He wants to initiate the Large Neon Arrow approach, that'd be fantastic. But whatever works, so long as Lanse and I are clear and of one mind.
We very much appreciate your prayers and support.
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