- Maybe Days: A Book for Children in Foster Care, Jennifer Wilgocki (Author), Marcia Kahn Wright (Author)
- Kids Need to be Safe: A Book for Children in Foster Care, Julie Nelson (Author)
- Families Change: A Book for Children Experiencing Termination of Parental Rights, Julie Nelson (Author)
- A Terrible Thing Happened, Margaret M. Holmes (Author), Sasha J Mudlaff (Author) [Note: about dealing with witnessed trauma]
- The Boy Who Didn't Want to be Sad, Rob Goldblatt(Author, Illustrator)
- A Family for Sammy - A story to help explain foster care to young kids, Kate gaynor KG (Author)
- Murphy's Three Homes: A story for children in foster care, Jan Levinson Gilman (Author)
- Zachary's New Home: A story for foster and adopted children, Geraldine M. Blomquist (Author), Paul B. Blomquist (Author)
- The Star: A story to help young children understand foster care, Cynthia Miller Lovell (Author)
- Finding the Right Spot: When Kids Can't Live with Their Parents, Janice Levy (Author)
- Please Tell: A child's story about sexual abuse, Jessie (Author)
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Children's Books
I've ordered a dozen books from Barnes and Noble to browse them before I buy them. I'm looking for the perfect set of children's books that relate to foster care issues. So that I have the list all in one place, I offer it here. When they arrive, and I skim through them, I'll come back and post my thoughts. All of these books are listed at Amazon for ages 4 and up, though if you get these for your own kids, use your discretion.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Independence
Over the course of childhood a journey is taken in the area of
independence that is predictable and generally similar through
(American) human history. Pre-mobile babies are completely dependent on
their mothers not only for physical supplies, but even for things as
simple as sitting up. Once those legs get going, the toddler and
three-year old kids have a kind of yo-yo effect: being attached to the
mother provides them unconditional safety to bounce out into their
environment and explore. They'll wander out into the room, or other
areas of the house, or the accessible areas of a familiar place, and
then rocket back to their mother for reassurance that it's all okay.
By between late-three and six years old, a child is usually confident enough and independent enough to find excitement at the start of school, where they are able to create a surface attachment to the teacher for safety to explore the classroom and learning away from their mother all day long. After that it's all a rush of data collection until the start of puberty, when these things begin all over again on a larger scale.
We value independence, and so we rejoice to see our very young children accomplish previously impossible things. We encourage them to be independent, to help with the chores, to clean up after themselves, to slow down and think, to recognize and talk about what they need so that we can teach them how to get it. This is in a family where the environment supports normal development.
I grew up in that kind of environment, and so it's my instinct to encourage and support our children's learning in that way. Most folk in the foster arena mostly agree, as far as life skills, and chores go. But think about it: When a three year old comes into the family from a torn and traumatic situation already knowing how to gather all the elements from a kitchen and create a sandwich, is that because they were taught independence or because they've had to find their own source of food for so long? When they are just three and already potty trained, is it because they were ready and supported in learning, or because they're smart kids tired of sitting in filth when no one would change them, or because adults screamed and hit when they made a mess?
Some people think that it's helpful, at least at first, to do absolutely everything for the young child; in essence to start them over in infancy for a brief period of time so they can attach properly. Providing basic needs for the child immediately every time, not to mention anticipating them, does wonders for healing children damaged in this way. I used this method for the first few months with B. & L. and it was exactly the right thing for them. They were desperate and scared. W., on the other hand, seems simply confident, and so I do encourage him to help himself - sometimes. The red flags start waving when his independence is coupled with a bossy attitude, and then we rein it in a bit and talk it over.
I guess the bottom line really is in how you view children. A friend's perspective is that they're not raising children, they're training future adults. And our young future adults are people like you, and deserve the respect and assistance that we would give to our neighbor or our coworker, with a lot more love and personal attention. Parenting wisdom says, "Choose your battles", which seems to me as if we think it's a war. Sure, sometimes it feels like it. But if I go through my days always feeling as if I'm fighting with my son, it's simply not going to work. And I realized that the days that felt like a war were either because someone in the family did not get a basic need met (sleep or food, usually) or because the adults are making unreasonable or unnecessary demands.
So the three of us, and anyone who visits, are a team, with four simple team rules:
So what does this have to do with independence? Everything, really. One or the other of us is with W. every moment of the day except when he's sleeping. We do our own things alongside him, he asks us permission to accomplish some task, and we arrange the environment so that he can do it himself - as long as it fits within the rules. If he wishes to do something that we feel isn't kind or safe, perhaps because he doesn't really understand what's involved, we can have a team meeting and discuss the procedure, or we can announce it to be a team project and work together. He can also spontaneously ask for "teamwork please!" if he's being independent and gets stuck. Lots of things are team projects right now, which grown-ups usually call "playing together", but as he gets older that will happen less and less. He can do what he likes, and be what he likes, and clean up the messes he makes, while still knowing that his needs are met and he is loved.
So far he's thriving. It's amazing what being treated like a person will do for someone.
By between late-three and six years old, a child is usually confident enough and independent enough to find excitement at the start of school, where they are able to create a surface attachment to the teacher for safety to explore the classroom and learning away from their mother all day long. After that it's all a rush of data collection until the start of puberty, when these things begin all over again on a larger scale.
We value independence, and so we rejoice to see our very young children accomplish previously impossible things. We encourage them to be independent, to help with the chores, to clean up after themselves, to slow down and think, to recognize and talk about what they need so that we can teach them how to get it. This is in a family where the environment supports normal development.
I grew up in that kind of environment, and so it's my instinct to encourage and support our children's learning in that way. Most folk in the foster arena mostly agree, as far as life skills, and chores go. But think about it: When a three year old comes into the family from a torn and traumatic situation already knowing how to gather all the elements from a kitchen and create a sandwich, is that because they were taught independence or because they've had to find their own source of food for so long? When they are just three and already potty trained, is it because they were ready and supported in learning, or because they're smart kids tired of sitting in filth when no one would change them, or because adults screamed and hit when they made a mess?
Some people think that it's helpful, at least at first, to do absolutely everything for the young child; in essence to start them over in infancy for a brief period of time so they can attach properly. Providing basic needs for the child immediately every time, not to mention anticipating them, does wonders for healing children damaged in this way. I used this method for the first few months with B. & L. and it was exactly the right thing for them. They were desperate and scared. W., on the other hand, seems simply confident, and so I do encourage him to help himself - sometimes. The red flags start waving when his independence is coupled with a bossy attitude, and then we rein it in a bit and talk it over.
I guess the bottom line really is in how you view children. A friend's perspective is that they're not raising children, they're training future adults. And our young future adults are people like you, and deserve the respect and assistance that we would give to our neighbor or our coworker, with a lot more love and personal attention. Parenting wisdom says, "Choose your battles", which seems to me as if we think it's a war. Sure, sometimes it feels like it. But if I go through my days always feeling as if I'm fighting with my son, it's simply not going to work. And I realized that the days that felt like a war were either because someone in the family did not get a basic need met (sleep or food, usually) or because the adults are making unreasonable or unnecessary demands.
So the three of us, and anyone who visits, are a team, with four simple team rules:
- Obey*
- Be kind
- Be safe
- Have fun
So what does this have to do with independence? Everything, really. One or the other of us is with W. every moment of the day except when he's sleeping. We do our own things alongside him, he asks us permission to accomplish some task, and we arrange the environment so that he can do it himself - as long as it fits within the rules. If he wishes to do something that we feel isn't kind or safe, perhaps because he doesn't really understand what's involved, we can have a team meeting and discuss the procedure, or we can announce it to be a team project and work together. He can also spontaneously ask for "teamwork please!" if he's being independent and gets stuck. Lots of things are team projects right now, which grown-ups usually call "playing together", but as he gets older that will happen less and less. He can do what he likes, and be what he likes, and clean up the messes he makes, while still knowing that his needs are met and he is loved.
So far he's thriving. It's amazing what being treated like a person will do for someone.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Tentative return to blogging
And within a month, just before Christmas, we went from no contact with birth family to a family placement and empty house. The chaos of the summer and autumn, and then the horrible gutwrenching devestation in the following months of winter, had the reasonable result of no blogging. There was no way that I could put my feelings into words, nor could I really even think about any topics related to this blog that didn't dissolve me into tears or depression.
After a bit of healing time, we were blessed with little Dubs, a new SU3.5. He's resilient, and not currently in need of any additional therapies, which is a blessing. He's also young and male and been through a lot, and we're constantly in odds with the opinions of others in his "care team", for lack of a better descriptive term.
And that's about all I've got at the moment. Hopefully I can think of more to write later.
After a bit of healing time, we were blessed with little Dubs, a new SU3.5. He's resilient, and not currently in need of any additional therapies, which is a blessing. He's also young and male and been through a lot, and we're constantly in odds with the opinions of others in his "care team", for lack of a better descriptive term.
And that's about all I've got at the moment. Hopefully I can think of more to write later.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Around the house
As a wise man once said, "Now for something completely different!"
Fun things that have happened lately
Fun things that have happened lately
- The boys got their own rooms! We spent the last couple of months spending an hour and a half each night trying to calm the boys down for bed, the bedtime routine that worked so well suddenly stopped working and our monkey boy (SU4) would lead the revolution against bedtime. We got tired of yelling, time outs, screaming boys, the inevitable injuries from physically tantruming children. So we split them up, moving Lanse's office to the loft, and converting the blue room into a perfect room for SU3. They have their names on the doors, each got to tell Lanse where to hang posters on the walls, they are reveling (somewhat) in having their own clothes in their own closets and dressers, and - most importantly - the bedtime routine is back to twenty minutes now that monkey boy doesn't have an audience.
- While the boys were mid-switch, we bit the bullet and hired our friends from church to tear out the cat-pee-soaked carpet and install wood laminate. We finally got rid of the smell, (drenched the sub-floor with Nature's Miracle) and the rooms look fabulous. I'll try to post pictures when I get them off my phone.
- SU3 is officially accepted for the Head Start program in August! SUCH relief! SU4 will be starting the public school 4K program, which is slotted for at risk kids, and they'll both be at the same amazing arts-infused school. I'm so thrilled! Oddly, due to differences in funding, SU4 will go to school for three hours every morning (standard half-day Kindergarten), but SU3's Head Start program is six hours - a full day of school! I'm almost wondering if I can go unenroll SU4 and get him into the Head Start program as well, but I think there will be future benefits for him starting public now, as they'll get all his therapies on file while they're still (hopefully) with us. SU3 is sufficiently adjusted that he won't be needing special services from public.
- We got ourselves a mew kitten from the SPCA! Her name is Moonlight, aka Moony, she's black and sleek - extremely short haired - looks a bit like an enormous rat. She also has huge eyes and ears and I called her Dobby for a while. She's been microchipped, and it costs $20 to change a name on there, so we'll stick to Moony until we can't stand it anymore. In three minutes we head to the vet for her first post-adoption check up. She and SU3 have hit it off, which is a lot of fun to watch, though SU4 really doesn't seem to like her... though he tries.
- SU3 "Where are we going?" SU4 "We're going to the church nervous!" (service)
- SU3 (upside-down) "Momma, get me out of stuck!"
Technicalities
It's easy to feel, most of the time, as though our job is simply to be parents - complete with everything you all know I mean by that. In fact, quite often we struggle with anger for how vital we are in the system but how ill-treated we feel by those who require us. Ignoring for the moment the personality quirks from each individual with whom we deal personally, (I have actually felt very encouraged and supported by the individuals with whom we've been working), the system as a whole is so amazingly broken that it's easy to feel that someone designed it to intentionally scorn those of us dealing incessantly with the emotional, behavioral, and developmental effects of someone else's crime.
Now, this isn't a pity-party post. I understand that our social workers have 30+ hours worth of work to do in every 24 hour day, that there are not enough workers and not nearly enough money, and that this is a horribly heart-wrenching and exhausting occupation to choose. I currently choose to believe that everyone directly involved is doing as much as they can for us, and that while my children are (obviously!) the most important creatures on Earth, each worker may have 10 or 20 or 40 most important creatures to care for who need much more worker intervention than our relatively stable boys.
That said, our job is not simply to be parents in the traditional sense. We get to add a layer of administration and technicalities, that most parents don't. The status of our children's living situation is at the beck and call of the gavel (though apparently gavels have gone the way of the caboose, judges here don't use them anymore) and we have the dubious honor of attending and - if the judge is amenable - having a brief say into proceedings. Our first day in family court was at the beginning of March, and we had spent the prior month preparing ourselves emotionally for the boys leaving our home. Surprisingly, there was what seemed to us a pretty basic problem regarding representation and the ruling was for a continuance in three months. We received a call early May (not three months) that we were scheduled again; after a week of steeling ourselves and preparing, that appearance was canceled since it did not provide the three months required by the judge.
In early June we received another call: a new court date is set! Three months? Check. Everyone appropriately represented? Check. That date was to be this Thursday (note the wording there...). Due to a paperwork delay, one of the participants is unable to attend - which in this case is legally sufficient to cancel our court date. Family court meets each Thursday; ten days are required for notice, so next week is out... then there's July 4 week where there's no cases, and due to that vacation, the 12th is booked solid. There were a couple of slots left for the 19th, which they are going to try to get, but after the 19th.... wait for it.... one of the major players loses their representation and has to train in someone new. Once we miss the 19th, all bets are off.
Not to mention that the addition of another month potentially changes the future plans for the children, as some things came in under the wire but without time to process them and now there's time.
We knew that this was a slow process. Obviously, since we got the boys in October for a six-week placement and we're on month eight. I had assumed it was due to the extreme working conditions placed on the social workers. But for the entire legal system to be working (or not working) such that we are now on our fourth court date to set the complete life trajectory of these boys? It's astonishing, and not in a good way. Somehow, in some way, the foster revolution needs to overhaul this part of the system so that our children can receive closure and begin moving forward and healing while they're still young, so that they can heal and become amazing contributors to our world.
Now, this isn't a pity-party post. I understand that our social workers have 30+ hours worth of work to do in every 24 hour day, that there are not enough workers and not nearly enough money, and that this is a horribly heart-wrenching and exhausting occupation to choose. I currently choose to believe that everyone directly involved is doing as much as they can for us, and that while my children are (obviously!) the most important creatures on Earth, each worker may have 10 or 20 or 40 most important creatures to care for who need much more worker intervention than our relatively stable boys.
That said, our job is not simply to be parents in the traditional sense. We get to add a layer of administration and technicalities, that most parents don't. The status of our children's living situation is at the beck and call of the gavel (though apparently gavels have gone the way of the caboose, judges here don't use them anymore) and we have the dubious honor of attending and - if the judge is amenable - having a brief say into proceedings. Our first day in family court was at the beginning of March, and we had spent the prior month preparing ourselves emotionally for the boys leaving our home. Surprisingly, there was what seemed to us a pretty basic problem regarding representation and the ruling was for a continuance in three months. We received a call early May (not three months) that we were scheduled again; after a week of steeling ourselves and preparing, that appearance was canceled since it did not provide the three months required by the judge.
In early June we received another call: a new court date is set! Three months? Check. Everyone appropriately represented? Check. That date was to be this Thursday (note the wording there...). Due to a paperwork delay, one of the participants is unable to attend - which in this case is legally sufficient to cancel our court date. Family court meets each Thursday; ten days are required for notice, so next week is out... then there's July 4 week where there's no cases, and due to that vacation, the 12th is booked solid. There were a couple of slots left for the 19th, which they are going to try to get, but after the 19th.... wait for it.... one of the major players loses their representation and has to train in someone new. Once we miss the 19th, all bets are off.
Not to mention that the addition of another month potentially changes the future plans for the children, as some things came in under the wire but without time to process them and now there's time.
We knew that this was a slow process. Obviously, since we got the boys in October for a six-week placement and we're on month eight. I had assumed it was due to the extreme working conditions placed on the social workers. But for the entire legal system to be working (or not working) such that we are now on our fourth court date to set the complete life trajectory of these boys? It's astonishing, and not in a good way. Somehow, in some way, the foster revolution needs to overhaul this part of the system so that our children can receive closure and begin moving forward and healing while they're still young, so that they can heal and become amazing contributors to our world.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Foster Revolution
I'm coming to think that my role in this crazy world is to lead a revolution in foster care. I'm not skilled at advocacy by any means, I just talk and write occasionally. Despite my English degree work I don't know how to write a position paper, and I haven't the faintest idea of how to go about changing the world or where to start and it seems a losing battle. If I could find myself a microphone and some foster parents willing to listen, I absolutely would; I'm quite sure that a great deal of them won't like what I have to say. But as we move along I'm learning that my opinion of our job does not match the opinion of my DSS training, the Guardian ad Litem, the Social Worker, the birth parents, or even other foster parents.
You see, the problem is this: we are to treat these children as if they are our own. We are to be sure that we clothe them and feed them just like our own children. We have been told in training seminars and throughout home visits that we must be sure they have just as many life opportunities as our own kids. Throughout our weekend of foster care training we heard statements like these in every session. Now, I understand that these children legally belong to their first mom and first dad. I understand that we are employees of the state, and that DSS holds the guardianship of them (somehow 'guardian' and 'foster parent' are different things legally, although here we have all rights of a parent except spanking.) I also understand that my three year old already clearly knows that "foster kid" equals "not mine", and that the absolute bottom line thing he needs to recover from this is a firm and unbreakable attachment to parents. And I am that parent.
So what is my stance? From October of 2011 until the day they walk out this door with suitcases and boxes in hand, I refuse to treat these children as if they are our own... because they are our own. Many families these days include more than one set of parents, and each of those sets claim the child as their own and love them and help them adjust to the split situation. No one even considers the idea of telling the other that they're not a parent. Our children have two sets of parents and right now, they are as much ours as theirs, if not more. Right now, every time I stop and think, "Would I do this for my kids?" I am actively damaging my son's ability to connect and heal. These children belong to us, and I will continue to hold that perspective as long as it is my job to raise these children through the chaos that is their past.
You see, the problem is this: when speaking with the trauma therapist, she asks me honestly why in the world we haven't taken them back to DSS yet because of his tantrums. We have been 'comforted' multiple times by people within the system - DSS and therapists and foster parents - all telling us that it's completely okay to decide it's too hard, to be sure that we take care of our own needs and if that means sending the children back, there's no guilt or shame attached.
I had a short conversation the other day with an acquaintance, and her side went something like this:
"I walked into a church the other day, and you know? All they talked about was faith! And GOD! I mean, geez, why're they wasting all that time and money on those things in church, when it could be fun and exciting? Do you know if there's someone that will donate some money or maybe drive me around to other churches and fix this problem for me? If not, I'm certainly not going to CHURCH again, cuz what's the point?"
All right, so maybe that's not how the conversation went exactly. But just as a church is a formalized institution created with the original purpose of presenting the ideas of faith and God to the populace, the foster care system is a formalized system created with the original purpose of caring for children who have been abused or suffered trauma, the causes behind removal from the home. So why is it that people go to a DSS office, go through 14 hours of intense training, sign up to be a foster parent, then - in shock and dismay - discover that their new children suffer from abuse or trauma? Seriously? Did you not expect this? This is THE PURPOSE of foster care.
So what is my stance? It comes in three parts: general parenting, special needs parenting, and foster parenting.
Generally speaking, Parenting is hard. I don't care if it's foster, step, biological, or godparenting, if you have a child in your care it will not be easy. While every age is tough in its own way, no one in their right mind would expect starting out with toddlers to be anything but a struggle. Anyone who voluntarily signs up to be a parent and then gets annoyed that it's hard is clearly out of their minds. On hard days some parents may joke that they'll sell their kids to the gypsies, but everyone knows they're joking. Apparently there's some people in the world who haven't realized it's a joke.
Then there's the fact that pretty much every single person I know has something. I have dwarfism. My brother-in-law has neurofibromytosis. My cousin had learning disabilities. One of my best friends' brothers was on meds for ADHD back in the early 90s. Eight out of ten families that I knew growing up had something that required parents to fill out extra forms, attend extra meetings, sit in doctor's waiting rooms, hold back tears in pre-op or therapy, write the umpteenth appeal to insurance, and threaten school districts with lawyers. This is normal life. All of the things that I or family or friends have were genetic, and we lived with our supportive and loving birth families. Every child in the foster care system also has something, it just has a different cause. Right now, we are their supportive and loving families. We focus on providing for our children everything that they need to grow and heal regardless of the status of DSS support or financial backing not because they're poor damaged children and we feel sorry for them or are guilted into it, but because this is parenting. When we say we intend to be parents, this is what we're talking about.
Of course, my final perspective comes when recognizing those different causes of the something that they have. When I signed paper after paper saying that I will become a foster mother, I thought about the hours of training we've been through. I thought about the photographs of children physically abused, I thought through the different scenarios of behavior shown by children who were sexually abused. I thought about my cousin who was adopted after years of being my uncle's foster daughter and all the chaos in their lives. We filled out the five page child factors checklist four times and update it annually, taking each behavior, each addiction, each genetic difference, deciding which ones we are capable of taking on. With each mark of the pen, we created structure and guidelines to develop a foster care scenario with which we agree. In business terms, we signed a contract designed to give us everything we wanted. In heart terms, we accepted our children before they even walked in the door. So - saying nothing of the fact that every child who is 2, 3, or 4 years old will throw tantrums - returning them is out of the question. Like everyone in that training room, we were fully aware of what was asked of us and we don't just throw in the towel when it gets hard. And now, of course, it has nothing to do with the training or the therapists or the other foster parents. It has to do with what will happen to these children inside themselves if I strap them into the car and tell them that because (at three and four years old) they won't go to bed on time I'm dropping them off in the office to start a new life with new strangers. The fact that this happens all the time should fill every single one of us with overwhelming shame.
There's more, but that's a start. My revolution involves changing fundamentals. It involves changing the language related to foster parents and overhauling the perspectives of our responsibilities. It brings a paradigm shift to the process, hopefully ending in not just the best care that can be provided in the given circumstances, but in a new generation of foster children who are stable and washed with complete healing. It also involves an awful lot of people unfamiliar with these ideas to pull together and support each other for the good of our children and our future. Though I don't often get opportunity to blog like this, I hope that over time I'll be able to tell you all how we're working out solutions.
You see, the problem is this: we are to treat these children as if they are our own. We are to be sure that we clothe them and feed them just like our own children. We have been told in training seminars and throughout home visits that we must be sure they have just as many life opportunities as our own kids. Throughout our weekend of foster care training we heard statements like these in every session. Now, I understand that these children legally belong to their first mom and first dad. I understand that we are employees of the state, and that DSS holds the guardianship of them (somehow 'guardian' and 'foster parent' are different things legally, although here we have all rights of a parent except spanking.) I also understand that my three year old already clearly knows that "foster kid" equals "not mine", and that the absolute bottom line thing he needs to recover from this is a firm and unbreakable attachment to parents. And I am that parent.
So what is my stance? From October of 2011 until the day they walk out this door with suitcases and boxes in hand, I refuse to treat these children as if they are our own... because they are our own. Many families these days include more than one set of parents, and each of those sets claim the child as their own and love them and help them adjust to the split situation. No one even considers the idea of telling the other that they're not a parent. Our children have two sets of parents and right now, they are as much ours as theirs, if not more. Right now, every time I stop and think, "Would I do this for my kids?" I am actively damaging my son's ability to connect and heal. These children belong to us, and I will continue to hold that perspective as long as it is my job to raise these children through the chaos that is their past.
You see, the problem is this: when speaking with the trauma therapist, she asks me honestly why in the world we haven't taken them back to DSS yet because of his tantrums. We have been 'comforted' multiple times by people within the system - DSS and therapists and foster parents - all telling us that it's completely okay to decide it's too hard, to be sure that we take care of our own needs and if that means sending the children back, there's no guilt or shame attached.
I had a short conversation the other day with an acquaintance, and her side went something like this:
"I walked into a church the other day, and you know? All they talked about was faith! And GOD! I mean, geez, why're they wasting all that time and money on those things in church, when it could be fun and exciting? Do you know if there's someone that will donate some money or maybe drive me around to other churches and fix this problem for me? If not, I'm certainly not going to CHURCH again, cuz what's the point?"
All right, so maybe that's not how the conversation went exactly. But just as a church is a formalized institution created with the original purpose of presenting the ideas of faith and God to the populace, the foster care system is a formalized system created with the original purpose of caring for children who have been abused or suffered trauma, the causes behind removal from the home. So why is it that people go to a DSS office, go through 14 hours of intense training, sign up to be a foster parent, then - in shock and dismay - discover that their new children suffer from abuse or trauma? Seriously? Did you not expect this? This is THE PURPOSE of foster care.
So what is my stance? It comes in three parts: general parenting, special needs parenting, and foster parenting.
Generally speaking, Parenting is hard. I don't care if it's foster, step, biological, or godparenting, if you have a child in your care it will not be easy. While every age is tough in its own way, no one in their right mind would expect starting out with toddlers to be anything but a struggle. Anyone who voluntarily signs up to be a parent and then gets annoyed that it's hard is clearly out of their minds. On hard days some parents may joke that they'll sell their kids to the gypsies, but everyone knows they're joking. Apparently there's some people in the world who haven't realized it's a joke.
Then there's the fact that pretty much every single person I know has something. I have dwarfism. My brother-in-law has neurofibromytosis. My cousin had learning disabilities. One of my best friends' brothers was on meds for ADHD back in the early 90s. Eight out of ten families that I knew growing up had something that required parents to fill out extra forms, attend extra meetings, sit in doctor's waiting rooms, hold back tears in pre-op or therapy, write the umpteenth appeal to insurance, and threaten school districts with lawyers. This is normal life. All of the things that I or family or friends have were genetic, and we lived with our supportive and loving birth families. Every child in the foster care system also has something, it just has a different cause. Right now, we are their supportive and loving families. We focus on providing for our children everything that they need to grow and heal regardless of the status of DSS support or financial backing not because they're poor damaged children and we feel sorry for them or are guilted into it, but because this is parenting. When we say we intend to be parents, this is what we're talking about.
Of course, my final perspective comes when recognizing those different causes of the something that they have. When I signed paper after paper saying that I will become a foster mother, I thought about the hours of training we've been through. I thought about the photographs of children physically abused, I thought through the different scenarios of behavior shown by children who were sexually abused. I thought about my cousin who was adopted after years of being my uncle's foster daughter and all the chaos in their lives. We filled out the five page child factors checklist four times and update it annually, taking each behavior, each addiction, each genetic difference, deciding which ones we are capable of taking on. With each mark of the pen, we created structure and guidelines to develop a foster care scenario with which we agree. In business terms, we signed a contract designed to give us everything we wanted. In heart terms, we accepted our children before they even walked in the door. So - saying nothing of the fact that every child who is 2, 3, or 4 years old will throw tantrums - returning them is out of the question. Like everyone in that training room, we were fully aware of what was asked of us and we don't just throw in the towel when it gets hard. And now, of course, it has nothing to do with the training or the therapists or the other foster parents. It has to do with what will happen to these children inside themselves if I strap them into the car and tell them that because (at three and four years old) they won't go to bed on time I'm dropping them off in the office to start a new life with new strangers. The fact that this happens all the time should fill every single one of us with overwhelming shame.
There's more, but that's a start. My revolution involves changing fundamentals. It involves changing the language related to foster parents and overhauling the perspectives of our responsibilities. It brings a paradigm shift to the process, hopefully ending in not just the best care that can be provided in the given circumstances, but in a new generation of foster children who are stable and washed with complete healing. It also involves an awful lot of people unfamiliar with these ideas to pull together and support each other for the good of our children and our future. Though I don't often get opportunity to blog like this, I hope that over time I'll be able to tell you all how we're working out solutions.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Food for thought
2009 Statistics
Number of families in the US: 113,567,967
Minus families in shelters: 131,000
Minus birth families of foster kids: <423,773 (in reality considerably fewer families given multiple children per home)
Minus food insecure households with children: 16,000,000
There were, in 2009, 423,773 children in foster care in the US. Four hundred and twenty four thousand.
There were, in 2009, 16,000,000 households in which children could not consistently eat every day. Sixteen million.
In 2009 there were 97,013,194 families with suitable living conditions for children (not in shelters, families of removed children, or food insecure). Ninety-seven million families.
If every family with suitable living conditions housed ONE foster child and/or fed ONE hungry child, there would still be 80,589,421 families untouched. Over eighty million families who don't have to care.
Number of children hungry or unloved: ZERO
So why do we have this problem again?
Facts gathered from feedingamerica.org, childwelfare.gov, census.gov
Number of families in the US: 113,567,967
Minus families in shelters: 131,000
Minus birth families of foster kids: <423,773 (in reality considerably fewer families given multiple children per home)
Minus food insecure households with children: 16,000,000
There were, in 2009, 423,773 children in foster care in the US. Four hundred and twenty four thousand.
There were, in 2009, 16,000,000 households in which children could not consistently eat every day. Sixteen million.
In 2009 there were 97,013,194 families with suitable living conditions for children (not in shelters, families of removed children, or food insecure). Ninety-seven million families.
If every family with suitable living conditions housed ONE foster child and/or fed ONE hungry child, there would still be 80,589,421 families untouched. Over eighty million families who don't have to care.
Number of children hungry or unloved: ZERO
So why do we have this problem again?
Facts gathered from feedingamerica.org, childwelfare.gov, census.gov
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Introductions
Now that our SUs are a more lengthy part of our lives than we expected them to be, I figured introductions are in order. Like every good early learning game, we'll let the youngest go first.
World, meet SU3, previously SU2. SU3, meet the world. Hmmm. Where to start. I think the most obvious thing (to me) about him is that he is empathetic and a people person. He talks to everyone he meets, and takes the initiative if he thinks something may make someone else happy. He's sensitive to the mood in a room, and any mood that his brother, Lanse, or I may have. He can read faces very well, and can usually guess how people are feeling. He's brilliant; though in speech therapy for an intermittent slight lisp, he has a fabulous vocabulary, and at age two tested in expressive language around five years old. Combining these traits often leads to a wonderful, wide-eyed face coming around, looking up, and saying, "Are you fruthtrated? Are you very fruthtrated, or just a little fruthtrated?" He can be extremely sweet and helpful, and likes to please. He can reason through things when you explain to him, (he'll often not comply because he honestly doesn't get why.... when he understands he'll do it happily). And just recently he was able to stop a crying tantrum because he understood the situation we presented to him. Our current behavior management program is "Happy Sticks"; each time we catch them being good, we give them a stick. If they have five sticks at the end of the day, they get a prize. For SU3, five sticks at the end means he's a good boy.
Of course, being a people person has its down sides. He always wants to know what someone said to someone else and will cry if I can't or won't tell him. He is also extremely sensitive to being left alone. He'll cry suddenly if he decides someone's walking or biking too far ahead, and during tantrums, once the anger is vented, he'll quiet down for his three minute time out if I sit in the hall with him. If I stand up and turn my back, or simply walk down the hall to check on his brother, he'll scream bloody murder for an hour and accuse us of horrible things in a scream, simply because we're not talking to him or sitting with him. He breaks down if his brother interrupts him when he's talking, because he courteously listens to his brother when he speaks and is dreadfully hurt. He has an extremely strong sense of fairness, and expects the same from others. But if he doesn't receive it, turn-around's fair play (at least with his brother)! He's also very stubborn; if he already understands something in a certain way it's nearly impossible to correct him without visible proof, and if he strongly misunderstands something, his justice senses are triggered, which almost always leads to a meltdown.
SU3 also loves beauty. This has been hard for him as a little boy in the South, since I won't let him wear dresses to daycare. He started our dress-up clothes pile by asking to wear my red bridesmaid dress, (No, but you can wear this other one), and he also loves my sparkly shoes. Once the weather turned very nice, we planted some seeds and he's been very gentle with his green bean plant, which is about to flower. He loves to water the garden, and often comments on unexpected things being pretty in shape or color. He is very observant and comments on lizards and birds that go by. While his artistic skills are still age-appropriate (perhaps slightly delayed) he has an astonishing attention span, and will read a number of books in a row, play three or four games of Candyland happily in one sitting, and enjoys coloring and cutting shapes when he can be left alone.
Finally, and importantly, he eats his vegetables - he'll trade in fish sticks for more broccoli - and he still naps almost three hours in the afternoon. Still working on the potty training, but he's only just three, so it's okay. He's not perfect by any means (those tantrums are scary!) but he is pretty amazing.
World, meet SU4, previously SU3. SU4, meet the world! The word that best sums up SU4 is "energetic". During our time with him, he has changed probably the most dramatically. He was very fearful, and now has conquered many frightening things, like swings and climbing and water. He has an amazing imagination, and is constantly blending real life into an imaginary world in his head, which makes conversations.... interesting sometimes. Some of the stories he tells are obviously related to his personal experience as a foster child, but others are simply great stories. He also has a very strong sense of rhythm and lyrics, though his tune isn't that accurate. He makes up songs and dances along with them, and is fascinated with anything that plays music. One "beepy" (battery operated) toy we have has 30 buttons and each plays a different song when on the right setting, and he'll sit for half an hour playing songs and dancing along. He has self-soothing mechanisms of rocking and head-banging which, while disturbing to us, he calls dancing and will jump on the sofa and start rocking out with his music.
SU4 also carries an amazing map in his head, and an amazing memory for visual things. He knows where we are by landmarks every time we go somewhere, and can identify familiar places in the dark when I'm not even sure where we are. He knows the alphabet and can count to 30 (when I prompt him on the word "thirty"), is finally potty trained, completely dresses himself, and can set the table for breakfast on his own. Every day he meets a new goal, and while he's often still fearful and is extremely easily frustrated, (leading to a lot of dramatic tantrums,) he is really amazing us with his developmental leaps.
While extremely intelligent, SU4 receives speech and occupational therapies for challenges that he faces. He struggles to understand and express speech properly, which frustrates all of us on occasion. He and his brother both have difficulty correctly processing sensory elements such as textures and temperatures, and when they arrived with us, also had challenges with the proprioceptive centers, which is the inner ear center of gravity. (In other words, they couldn't swing, turn upside-down, or otherwise feel off-balance without panicking.) SU4 has conquered that challenge, and is now addicted to kicking the sky on the big swings at the playground. The sensory elements, however, influence how they bathe, what they will eat, and what kind of activities we can do - beach sand is bad, water on the head is bad, too much sun or too much noise is bad. "Bad" meaning panic-inducing. We still do these things, but we have to do more planning ahead and create intentional routines to lessen the impact.
While generally much more self-centered than SU3, SU4 thrives on verbal praise, prizes, and Doing Things Right. If we challenge him to do something all by himself he often will jump right to it, and grin maniacally when he completes it. Any small correction, however, could ruin his whole day. SU4 also has an overburdened penance drive. If he feels he is being bad (even if we've not corrected him) he will put himself in time out, or he will throw his toys away, or he will dump out his Happy Sticks. He also loves getting his brother in trouble, and often tries to put him in time out. We haven't decided yet if he's just a bossy big brother or if he's been parentified through the fostering processes.
When it comes to Happy Sticks, having five at the end of the day means a prize. Yay! To phrase the Happy Sticks a different way, when SU4 does not have five sticks, he's crushed because he doesn't have a prize. When SU3 does not have five sticks, he's crushed because he's a very bad boy. While this is true, it's only at the end of the day at prize time. During the day, it's reversed - SU3 focuses on the toys, but SU4 constantly judges himself. Very interesting. But in the end, SU4 is making us just as proud as SU3, and we're looking forward to seeing where they both end up as big kids.
The hordes have just returned from the out of doors, so that's all you get for now. It's bedtime!
World, meet SU3, previously SU2. SU3, meet the world. Hmmm. Where to start. I think the most obvious thing (to me) about him is that he is empathetic and a people person. He talks to everyone he meets, and takes the initiative if he thinks something may make someone else happy. He's sensitive to the mood in a room, and any mood that his brother, Lanse, or I may have. He can read faces very well, and can usually guess how people are feeling. He's brilliant; though in speech therapy for an intermittent slight lisp, he has a fabulous vocabulary, and at age two tested in expressive language around five years old. Combining these traits often leads to a wonderful, wide-eyed face coming around, looking up, and saying, "Are you fruthtrated? Are you very fruthtrated, or just a little fruthtrated?" He can be extremely sweet and helpful, and likes to please. He can reason through things when you explain to him, (he'll often not comply because he honestly doesn't get why.... when he understands he'll do it happily). And just recently he was able to stop a crying tantrum because he understood the situation we presented to him. Our current behavior management program is "Happy Sticks"; each time we catch them being good, we give them a stick. If they have five sticks at the end of the day, they get a prize. For SU3, five sticks at the end means he's a good boy.
Of course, being a people person has its down sides. He always wants to know what someone said to someone else and will cry if I can't or won't tell him. He is also extremely sensitive to being left alone. He'll cry suddenly if he decides someone's walking or biking too far ahead, and during tantrums, once the anger is vented, he'll quiet down for his three minute time out if I sit in the hall with him. If I stand up and turn my back, or simply walk down the hall to check on his brother, he'll scream bloody murder for an hour and accuse us of horrible things in a scream, simply because we're not talking to him or sitting with him. He breaks down if his brother interrupts him when he's talking, because he courteously listens to his brother when he speaks and is dreadfully hurt. He has an extremely strong sense of fairness, and expects the same from others. But if he doesn't receive it, turn-around's fair play (at least with his brother)! He's also very stubborn; if he already understands something in a certain way it's nearly impossible to correct him without visible proof, and if he strongly misunderstands something, his justice senses are triggered, which almost always leads to a meltdown.
SU3 also loves beauty. This has been hard for him as a little boy in the South, since I won't let him wear dresses to daycare. He started our dress-up clothes pile by asking to wear my red bridesmaid dress, (No, but you can wear this other one), and he also loves my sparkly shoes. Once the weather turned very nice, we planted some seeds and he's been very gentle with his green bean plant, which is about to flower. He loves to water the garden, and often comments on unexpected things being pretty in shape or color. He is very observant and comments on lizards and birds that go by. While his artistic skills are still age-appropriate (perhaps slightly delayed) he has an astonishing attention span, and will read a number of books in a row, play three or four games of Candyland happily in one sitting, and enjoys coloring and cutting shapes when he can be left alone.
Finally, and importantly, he eats his vegetables - he'll trade in fish sticks for more broccoli - and he still naps almost three hours in the afternoon. Still working on the potty training, but he's only just three, so it's okay. He's not perfect by any means (those tantrums are scary!) but he is pretty amazing.
World, meet SU4, previously SU3. SU4, meet the world! The word that best sums up SU4 is "energetic". During our time with him, he has changed probably the most dramatically. He was very fearful, and now has conquered many frightening things, like swings and climbing and water. He has an amazing imagination, and is constantly blending real life into an imaginary world in his head, which makes conversations.... interesting sometimes. Some of the stories he tells are obviously related to his personal experience as a foster child, but others are simply great stories. He also has a very strong sense of rhythm and lyrics, though his tune isn't that accurate. He makes up songs and dances along with them, and is fascinated with anything that plays music. One "beepy" (battery operated) toy we have has 30 buttons and each plays a different song when on the right setting, and he'll sit for half an hour playing songs and dancing along. He has self-soothing mechanisms of rocking and head-banging which, while disturbing to us, he calls dancing and will jump on the sofa and start rocking out with his music.
SU4 also carries an amazing map in his head, and an amazing memory for visual things. He knows where we are by landmarks every time we go somewhere, and can identify familiar places in the dark when I'm not even sure where we are. He knows the alphabet and can count to 30 (when I prompt him on the word "thirty"), is finally potty trained, completely dresses himself, and can set the table for breakfast on his own. Every day he meets a new goal, and while he's often still fearful and is extremely easily frustrated, (leading to a lot of dramatic tantrums,) he is really amazing us with his developmental leaps.
While extremely intelligent, SU4 receives speech and occupational therapies for challenges that he faces. He struggles to understand and express speech properly, which frustrates all of us on occasion. He and his brother both have difficulty correctly processing sensory elements such as textures and temperatures, and when they arrived with us, also had challenges with the proprioceptive centers, which is the inner ear center of gravity. (In other words, they couldn't swing, turn upside-down, or otherwise feel off-balance without panicking.) SU4 has conquered that challenge, and is now addicted to kicking the sky on the big swings at the playground. The sensory elements, however, influence how they bathe, what they will eat, and what kind of activities we can do - beach sand is bad, water on the head is bad, too much sun or too much noise is bad. "Bad" meaning panic-inducing. We still do these things, but we have to do more planning ahead and create intentional routines to lessen the impact.
While generally much more self-centered than SU3, SU4 thrives on verbal praise, prizes, and Doing Things Right. If we challenge him to do something all by himself he often will jump right to it, and grin maniacally when he completes it. Any small correction, however, could ruin his whole day. SU4 also has an overburdened penance drive. If he feels he is being bad (even if we've not corrected him) he will put himself in time out, or he will throw his toys away, or he will dump out his Happy Sticks. He also loves getting his brother in trouble, and often tries to put him in time out. We haven't decided yet if he's just a bossy big brother or if he's been parentified through the fostering processes.
When it comes to Happy Sticks, having five at the end of the day means a prize. Yay! To phrase the Happy Sticks a different way, when SU4 does not have five sticks, he's crushed because he doesn't have a prize. When SU3 does not have five sticks, he's crushed because he's a very bad boy. While this is true, it's only at the end of the day at prize time. During the day, it's reversed - SU3 focuses on the toys, but SU4 constantly judges himself. Very interesting. But in the end, SU4 is making us just as proud as SU3, and we're looking forward to seeing where they both end up as big kids.
The hordes have just returned from the out of doors, so that's all you get for now. It's bedtime!
Friday, February 24, 2012
Routines and trust
Ask any early childhood educator and they'll tell you that clear routines and consistency are necessary for the management and developmental growth of young children. Any parent of young children can verify that repetition is an innate part of childhood, as they read the same book again for the twelfth time in a row. Routines - even ones as simple as reading the same book repeatedly - teach the child that each time one action occurs, the same actions result. That when they hear "I think I can" the train makes it up the hill. That when they push a toy off the table it will fall (again, and again, and again...) That when they're hungry, they will have food, and when they're stinky, they will not have to sit in it. They learn, through all these repetitions, that you, the caregiver, are dependable.
Coming from an environment of abuse or neglect means that each of those tests of dependability brought different results. Maybe the train didn't make it up the hill, I don't know because you were too busy to finish the book. Maybe the toy doesn't always fall downward every time, but I don't know because you threw it away when I was loud. And maybe I'm going to have to eat whatever's laying around, because last few times I was hungry, I couldn't find you. I don't know what to expect, because I can't predict what you're going to do next.
Something I have intentionally done with our children from the very start has been to create routines in the little, seemingly unimportant things, so that they can learn that when we do or say this, then this will happen every time. When they know that, then they can begin to trust that it extends to the extremely important things like food and toileting and medicine when they're sick. So, in the hopes that it may help someone else, I thought to write out some of our routines here. (Feel free to skip to the bottom if it gets boring, I put a little bit more there. This is mostly for me.)
In no particular order:
Car routine:
SU3.025 was originally the most dependable one, so we would all walk out, I'd open the door for him to have him climb into his seat, and then I would walk around and buckle in SU3.11 first, otherwise he'd wander off. Buckle the buckles, pat the buckle, say "all safe!", kiss his forehead, say "watch your fingers and toes!" and shut the door. Go back around, and repeat with the younger one.
When we arrive (usually at day care), I prep them for what will happen next by saying, "I will stay for five or ten minutes only if it's play time; if it's circle time then I have to leave." Then I let SU3.025 out first to be the Bag Boy. He stands by the daycare door and carries the diaper bag, a Very Important Job. Then I go unbuckle SU3.11, who often needed coaxing to get out of the car, though that's not often now. He climbs down, and gets a big long hug. He closes the door, and gets the Very Important Job of beeping the car lock. Then we go inside, hang up the bag, and I do what I said about staying or not.
Misc:
They each have a travel mug that's a cartoon character, and it's only "for outside or in the car". They also use it at snack time when we're on the porch.
Other things end up being done exactly the same way every time, like when we change their pull-ups, or where clothes are located, but that's done simply because it's the only way to do it given the space we have. Again, consistency is good... but pretty boring to write out here.
Terminology of places and landmarks also remain the same. Along certain routes we often point out the same things, and discuss things such as "Ronald is stuck on the bench!" (McDonald's). Each playground we frequent has a unique name that the boys came up with.
Discipline:
This primarily is a matter of manners. We use respect with people, animals, and things. That means a small set of rules (table manners at table, no toys in the kitchen and no food in the rest of the house, kind words and actions, stop and listen and obey when we speak).
We've taught them to take deep breaths, take a break on their own, or count to ten when they're upset or want to disobey. They've both done it on their own on occasion, though not with any consistency.
If the toy is distracting you from listening/obeying, then it will have to take a break with me. The toys get the same punishments that the boys do, though we don't hug them at the end.
We alternate between standard time out of sitting on the sofa or bed for three minutes/we come talk to you, and "taking a break", which is that they must go sit on the bed until they feel calm and are ready to listen/obey. They can choose when they're done, but if they come out and re-offend they go right back again. We also follow Super Nanny's method of ending time out, where we discuss with them why they were told to sit, have them repeat back, apologize, and then hug and we say "I love you." Then they must go and complete what they originally did not do.
Breakfast/meals:
The boys now help me set up breakfast each morning, and help Lanse set the table for dinner as well. Whoever's closest gets the bowls/plates, then we alternate with forks/spoons, yogurt cups, drinking cups, cereal (set out each box on the floor, they take them as they come), juice and milk out of the fridge. I start water for my tea, then I ask the best behaved one which cereal they want, and get him set up, and then go help the other one. Then I make my own breakfast, and we talk about the day. After the meal, they put their dishes in the sink, though I usually have to stop them from trying to wash them. Then they have to play quietly and nicely while I finish my breakfast (including my tea and reading my email on my phone!)
Bedtime:
The bedtime routine was adapted from Super Nanny's routine, specifically from one episode I saw where the child truly was terrified of being alone (completely applicable here!) and she allowed the parent to sit inside the room. At 7:30, we turn off the lights except one chair-side lamp, and turn on the bedtime music, which is a great collection of international lullabies. They finish playing, clean up, or read books. At 7:45 or 7:50 we turn the music off and walk to the hallway where the PJs are, change, go potty, get water (I put an inch of water in their cups for the Last Drink - they do not drink anything between dinner and the Last Drink), brush teeth (they brush first, then I brush their teeth. "Where does the toothpaste go?" "ON MY TEETH!!" "Rinse and Spit!"). Then they go to bed, with only the bathroom light on nearby. We alternate nights letting each child start choosing a song. For the first while it was Jesus Loves Me and the Alphabet Song, then a few others from the CDs in the car. Now we have a range of things to chose from. One chooses a song, then the other; then each boy has bedtime prayer with each of us, and Lanse goes out and closes the door.
And then Super Nanny begins. At first I explained what behavior I wanted from them, said, "Good night, I love you, it's bedtime", and then sat huddled up on the floor by the closet trying to be a piece of furniture. On the first infraction I say, "OK, boys, it's bedtime." On the second, I leave the room. They completely ignored me and went crazy the first week, and somehow it then evolved into a routine of question/response. Now I say, "OK, boys, you know how this works!" They hurriedly and loudly say, "If you're talking, crying, bouncing, crazy, or get out of bed, you'll JUST HAVE TO LEAVE!" (Originally it was just talking, crying and bouncing, since those things they could not seem to quit; the other two they added themselves.) In the first few weeks of this I did, in fact, leave the room twice; that's all it took before they behaved. After they finish telling me how it works, I say the "Good night... it's bedtime" part, and it's instant quiet. I'm currently in the process of weaning them off of my presence, since my leaving indicated to them that they messed up somehow. But at the start, I stayed until they were both asleep... up to over an hour if necessary. Trust growing. And if I told them I had to go do something and would come back to check on them, I made sure to do it while they were still semi-conscious, so they knew I kept my promise. Now I can step out after two minutes and they're out quickly.
The Day (when they're home all day)
Interestingly, they seem to think that the part of the day before nap and the part after are two different days. So I created a 24 hour clock with pictures of each activity and put it on the wall, with a clock hand made of painter's tape that they can move. They're slowly getting the idea.
6:30 - 7:30 - wake up, Lanse gets them changed and dressed while I get ready. On good days they'll play quietly and let us "sleep" until nearly 8:00.
7:30 - 9:00 - breakfast; sometimes they'll eat it all at once, sometimes they do their best and come back later; food all goes away at 9:00. Breakfast time also includes a discussion of what's going on today, tomorrow, and what happened yesterday.
9:00-10:30 - play. Some days it's therapy time, some days I chose specific things like playdoh, other days (like yesterday) it's free play or kick-em-outside time.
10:30 - snack. Usually something healthy, plus crackers. Any time the weather's amenable, all snacks are taken on the screen porch. If they snack on the porch, they can play and eat at the same time; food taken inside is done sitting at the table with no toys.
10:45 - 11:30 - more play
11:30 - 12:00 - lunch; I tend to choose small portions of many types of food. Typical lunch may be three or four (or more) slices of deli lunch meat, a large pickle or a serving of veggies, a cheese stick, half a single serving tub of yogurt, and a few crackers (to serve as the bread for the meat). At each meal they choose between milk and water, at breakfast they can have juice but only three half-cups (about 3-4 oz) max.
12:00 - go to nap. Lanse takes a break from work to help SU3.11, I help SU3.025; each goes to the bathroom, then SU3.11 sleeps in the sensory-deprived dark room (our bedroom) on the sofa, and falls asleep pretty independently. SU3.025 needs me to complete the bedtime routine with him ("Good night, I love you, it's naptime"); in the case of naps, I almost always have to sit with him until he's asleep or he lays awake playing with his toes for hours waiting for me to come back.
After nap - 4:00 - snack, (see above, this snack tends to have a veg or cheese stick depending on lunch and goldfish crackers), then more free play.
4:00 - 6:00 - Daddy Lanse play time; this is when I clean, organize paperwork, make phone calls, or review the home finances.
6:00(ish) - dinner (this is the least consistent timing we have due to evening commitments or lack of proper planning between me figuring out supper and Lanse taking them out on walks or us all going to a playground).
After dinner - 7:45ish - play, and cleaning up. On Sundays we look at the magnetic calendar during this time to discuss the coming week.
7:45 - sleep - bedtime routine
The Week:
This is put up on our magnetic calendar, with pictures I printed and stuck to magnet strip. We don't have the eggs or pancakes, but we do add other things like birthdays and holidays to the calendar.
Sunday: eggs for breakfast, cooked by Daddy Lanse; Church; review the coming week
Monday: play with Miss Maria
Tuesday: daycare
Wednesday: play with Miss Angel
Thursday: play with Miss Mollie; Choir practice/nursery play in p.m.
Friday: daycare
Saturday: pancakes and chocolate milk for breakfast, cooked by Mommy Jessica; go out somewhere to play
Some weeks we add a third day of daycare, and the therapist meets them there.
I have to say, routine fits me. I feel much more confident and less panicked when I know what's going on; though I also feel a lot more rushed - and therefore grouchy - when the routine means we're leaving the house at a specific time. I know the boys act a lot better and feel more settled when we stick to these routines. And sometimes, the oddest things throw them off... tonight is going to be warm, so Lanse "let them" leave their daytime t-shirts on as sleep shirts, thinking it'd be fun for them. SU3.025 sobbed when he realized it was "Good night... it's bedtime" and we "didn't let" him change into his PJs. Inconsequential, and quite easily fixed, but we're often surprised by something that matters to them that we never realized.
Routine matters, especially in the little things. It builds trust, which is what these kids - and all kids - desperately need in order to build self-esteem and be able to succeed. As they've gained trust, these boys have blossomed amazingly, and accomplished amazing things in an extremely short time. Feel free to try it with your own.
Coming from an environment of abuse or neglect means that each of those tests of dependability brought different results. Maybe the train didn't make it up the hill, I don't know because you were too busy to finish the book. Maybe the toy doesn't always fall downward every time, but I don't know because you threw it away when I was loud. And maybe I'm going to have to eat whatever's laying around, because last few times I was hungry, I couldn't find you. I don't know what to expect, because I can't predict what you're going to do next.
Something I have intentionally done with our children from the very start has been to create routines in the little, seemingly unimportant things, so that they can learn that when we do or say this, then this will happen every time. When they know that, then they can begin to trust that it extends to the extremely important things like food and toileting and medicine when they're sick. So, in the hopes that it may help someone else, I thought to write out some of our routines here. (Feel free to skip to the bottom if it gets boring, I put a little bit more there. This is mostly for me.)
In no particular order:
Car routine:
SU3.025 was originally the most dependable one, so we would all walk out, I'd open the door for him to have him climb into his seat, and then I would walk around and buckle in SU3.11 first, otherwise he'd wander off. Buckle the buckles, pat the buckle, say "all safe!", kiss his forehead, say "watch your fingers and toes!" and shut the door. Go back around, and repeat with the younger one.
When we arrive (usually at day care), I prep them for what will happen next by saying, "I will stay for five or ten minutes only if it's play time; if it's circle time then I have to leave." Then I let SU3.025 out first to be the Bag Boy. He stands by the daycare door and carries the diaper bag, a Very Important Job. Then I go unbuckle SU3.11, who often needed coaxing to get out of the car, though that's not often now. He climbs down, and gets a big long hug. He closes the door, and gets the Very Important Job of beeping the car lock. Then we go inside, hang up the bag, and I do what I said about staying or not.
Misc:
They each have a travel mug that's a cartoon character, and it's only "for outside or in the car". They also use it at snack time when we're on the porch.
Other things end up being done exactly the same way every time, like when we change their pull-ups, or where clothes are located, but that's done simply because it's the only way to do it given the space we have. Again, consistency is good... but pretty boring to write out here.
Terminology of places and landmarks also remain the same. Along certain routes we often point out the same things, and discuss things such as "Ronald is stuck on the bench!" (McDonald's). Each playground we frequent has a unique name that the boys came up with.
Discipline:
This primarily is a matter of manners. We use respect with people, animals, and things. That means a small set of rules (table manners at table, no toys in the kitchen and no food in the rest of the house, kind words and actions, stop and listen and obey when we speak).
We've taught them to take deep breaths, take a break on their own, or count to ten when they're upset or want to disobey. They've both done it on their own on occasion, though not with any consistency.
If the toy is distracting you from listening/obeying, then it will have to take a break with me. The toys get the same punishments that the boys do, though we don't hug them at the end.
We alternate between standard time out of sitting on the sofa or bed for three minutes/we come talk to you, and "taking a break", which is that they must go sit on the bed until they feel calm and are ready to listen/obey. They can choose when they're done, but if they come out and re-offend they go right back again. We also follow Super Nanny's method of ending time out, where we discuss with them why they were told to sit, have them repeat back, apologize, and then hug and we say "I love you." Then they must go and complete what they originally did not do.
Breakfast/meals:
The boys now help me set up breakfast each morning, and help Lanse set the table for dinner as well. Whoever's closest gets the bowls/plates, then we alternate with forks/spoons, yogurt cups, drinking cups, cereal (set out each box on the floor, they take them as they come), juice and milk out of the fridge. I start water for my tea, then I ask the best behaved one which cereal they want, and get him set up, and then go help the other one. Then I make my own breakfast, and we talk about the day. After the meal, they put their dishes in the sink, though I usually have to stop them from trying to wash them. Then they have to play quietly and nicely while I finish my breakfast (including my tea and reading my email on my phone!)
Bedtime:
The bedtime routine was adapted from Super Nanny's routine, specifically from one episode I saw where the child truly was terrified of being alone (completely applicable here!) and she allowed the parent to sit inside the room. At 7:30, we turn off the lights except one chair-side lamp, and turn on the bedtime music, which is a great collection of international lullabies. They finish playing, clean up, or read books. At 7:45 or 7:50 we turn the music off and walk to the hallway where the PJs are, change, go potty, get water (I put an inch of water in their cups for the Last Drink - they do not drink anything between dinner and the Last Drink), brush teeth (they brush first, then I brush their teeth. "Where does the toothpaste go?" "ON MY TEETH!!" "Rinse and Spit!"). Then they go to bed, with only the bathroom light on nearby. We alternate nights letting each child start choosing a song. For the first while it was Jesus Loves Me and the Alphabet Song, then a few others from the CDs in the car. Now we have a range of things to chose from. One chooses a song, then the other; then each boy has bedtime prayer with each of us, and Lanse goes out and closes the door.
And then Super Nanny begins. At first I explained what behavior I wanted from them, said, "Good night, I love you, it's bedtime", and then sat huddled up on the floor by the closet trying to be a piece of furniture. On the first infraction I say, "OK, boys, it's bedtime." On the second, I leave the room. They completely ignored me and went crazy the first week, and somehow it then evolved into a routine of question/response. Now I say, "OK, boys, you know how this works!" They hurriedly and loudly say, "If you're talking, crying, bouncing, crazy, or get out of bed, you'll JUST HAVE TO LEAVE!" (Originally it was just talking, crying and bouncing, since those things they could not seem to quit; the other two they added themselves.) In the first few weeks of this I did, in fact, leave the room twice; that's all it took before they behaved. After they finish telling me how it works, I say the "Good night... it's bedtime" part, and it's instant quiet. I'm currently in the process of weaning them off of my presence, since my leaving indicated to them that they messed up somehow. But at the start, I stayed until they were both asleep... up to over an hour if necessary. Trust growing. And if I told them I had to go do something and would come back to check on them, I made sure to do it while they were still semi-conscious, so they knew I kept my promise. Now I can step out after two minutes and they're out quickly.
The Day (when they're home all day)
Interestingly, they seem to think that the part of the day before nap and the part after are two different days. So I created a 24 hour clock with pictures of each activity and put it on the wall, with a clock hand made of painter's tape that they can move. They're slowly getting the idea.
6:30 - 7:30 - wake up, Lanse gets them changed and dressed while I get ready. On good days they'll play quietly and let us "sleep" until nearly 8:00.
7:30 - 9:00 - breakfast; sometimes they'll eat it all at once, sometimes they do their best and come back later; food all goes away at 9:00. Breakfast time also includes a discussion of what's going on today, tomorrow, and what happened yesterday.
9:00-10:30 - play. Some days it's therapy time, some days I chose specific things like playdoh, other days (like yesterday) it's free play or kick-em-outside time.
10:30 - snack. Usually something healthy, plus crackers. Any time the weather's amenable, all snacks are taken on the screen porch. If they snack on the porch, they can play and eat at the same time; food taken inside is done sitting at the table with no toys.
10:45 - 11:30 - more play
11:30 - 12:00 - lunch; I tend to choose small portions of many types of food. Typical lunch may be three or four (or more) slices of deli lunch meat, a large pickle or a serving of veggies, a cheese stick, half a single serving tub of yogurt, and a few crackers (to serve as the bread for the meat). At each meal they choose between milk and water, at breakfast they can have juice but only three half-cups (about 3-4 oz) max.
12:00 - go to nap. Lanse takes a break from work to help SU3.11, I help SU3.025; each goes to the bathroom, then SU3.11 sleeps in the sensory-deprived dark room (our bedroom) on the sofa, and falls asleep pretty independently. SU3.025 needs me to complete the bedtime routine with him ("Good night, I love you, it's naptime"); in the case of naps, I almost always have to sit with him until he's asleep or he lays awake playing with his toes for hours waiting for me to come back.
After nap - 4:00 - snack, (see above, this snack tends to have a veg or cheese stick depending on lunch and goldfish crackers), then more free play.
4:00 - 6:00 - Daddy Lanse play time; this is when I clean, organize paperwork, make phone calls, or review the home finances.
6:00(ish) - dinner (this is the least consistent timing we have due to evening commitments or lack of proper planning between me figuring out supper and Lanse taking them out on walks or us all going to a playground).
After dinner - 7:45ish - play, and cleaning up. On Sundays we look at the magnetic calendar during this time to discuss the coming week.
7:45 - sleep - bedtime routine
The Week:
This is put up on our magnetic calendar, with pictures I printed and stuck to magnet strip. We don't have the eggs or pancakes, but we do add other things like birthdays and holidays to the calendar.
Sunday: eggs for breakfast, cooked by Daddy Lanse; Church; review the coming week
Monday: play with Miss Maria
Tuesday: daycare
Wednesday: play with Miss Angel
Thursday: play with Miss Mollie; Choir practice/nursery play in p.m.
Friday: daycare
Saturday: pancakes and chocolate milk for breakfast, cooked by Mommy Jessica; go out somewhere to play
Some weeks we add a third day of daycare, and the therapist meets them there.
I have to say, routine fits me. I feel much more confident and less panicked when I know what's going on; though I also feel a lot more rushed - and therefore grouchy - when the routine means we're leaving the house at a specific time. I know the boys act a lot better and feel more settled when we stick to these routines. And sometimes, the oddest things throw them off... tonight is going to be warm, so Lanse "let them" leave their daytime t-shirts on as sleep shirts, thinking it'd be fun for them. SU3.025 sobbed when he realized it was "Good night... it's bedtime" and we "didn't let" him change into his PJs. Inconsequential, and quite easily fixed, but we're often surprised by something that matters to them that we never realized.
Routine matters, especially in the little things. It builds trust, which is what these kids - and all kids - desperately need in order to build self-esteem and be able to succeed. As they've gained trust, these boys have blossomed amazingly, and accomplished amazing things in an extremely short time. Feel free to try it with your own.
Land of Confusion
Unfortunately, I'm not talking about a Genesis song, I'm talking about our life. Our six week placement is now running a week past four months, and while things appear to be rolling forward, it's potentially across different ground than we first supposed. But we really don't know, and we continue to pretend that we're their forever home so that we can complete required things like pre-registering for school, and we continue to pretend they're going home tomorrow so that we can emotionally keep the distance we need to keep for when they do. Completely crazy. Next Thursday we will go to court to speak on their behalf. It was supposed to be the day that dad gained custody, but he has been unable to meet the requirements set within the time frame for him to do so. Court will still be held, in order to begin paperwork for freeing them for adoption. We are wobbling all over the emotional spectrum when we think of that, so we're mostly poking it gently to see it wobble or trying to ignore it until the Judge has his say and things are more definite.
Since our last post, SU2.10 is now SU3.025. He had a birthday! Since we're allowed to visit with their dad whenever we (all) care to arrange it, we had a nice little cake and presents at McDonald's [never had SO MUCH McD's in my LIFE, but it's the only indoor playground we know of]. SU3.11's birthday is next month, so we'll be having a joint friends party next weekend at the park and hopefully we'll see dad again at the end of the month.
SU3.11 is now mostly potty trained, which is a God-send in more than one way... not being potty trained meant that daycare required he stay in the 2 yr old classroom, which was strongly contributing to delays in social and language skills. He moved up this week, and then his new teacher had to go to a funeral, so hopefully he'll get more of a feel for her style next week. Unfortunately, they both need (in both my parental and professional opinion) to go to daycare 3+ mornings a week for therapeutic purposes but the state only pays for daycare if both of us are employed. So we only schedule what fits our budget.
There've been a lot of transitions in the last two weeks, in large part due to the birthday. In SC (I don't know if this is national), there's one therapy service provider for kids ages 0 through 3, and when they turn 3, they test them and release them to a different agency. SU3.025 tested way beyond developmental level - frankly, he's brilliant - and so all of his therapies except one stopped on his birthday. Both boys have suddenly made enormous strides in their skills, finally feeling safe enough to begin to build self-confidence.
We also began taking them to a counselor for play therapy to process trauma, something that the state does not consider necessary for foster children as far as we can tell [can anyone tell me why they have an emotional therapist on staff for adoptable children but not for foster kids??), and also something that Medicaid does not pay for for young children. (They do cover "mental health" but if we're specifically looking for play therapy, it's up to each therapist if they accept it, and none of the ones I can find do.) Play therapy focuses on the therapist or parent (there's a 'do it at home' version, called filial therapy) allowing the child to choose the play, and using the time simply to learn the child's groove. Allow them to do whatever they like, given the toys and environment that you've carefully arranged, and they begin to act out what's inside of them. We've already seen some very concerning patterns in the play for both boys, but part of the (very difficult) process is not drawing any conclusions. It's simply the safe environment to allow them to process. It also exhausts them, so the day of and the day after are usually pretty awful behaviorally.
Finally, we've also been sick. Two weeks ago tonight the stomach flu began, and didn't end until last Friday. We had two days off and SU3.11 started coughing and then spiked a fever on Wednesday night. Now SU3.025 is coughing, though no one went to bed tonight with a fever. The weather's also been wacky, which doesn't help.
Whereas they used to be all one thing or another, now we're a pretty even mix of behaviors edging towards (at least the last few days) good choices. I was able to kick them outside (79 degrees and sunshine!) all morning yesterday and they played nicely while I did laundry and other things. I was really proud of them. So we're getting there.
Please keep praying!
Since our last post, SU2.10 is now SU3.025. He had a birthday! Since we're allowed to visit with their dad whenever we (all) care to arrange it, we had a nice little cake and presents at McDonald's [never had SO MUCH McD's in my LIFE, but it's the only indoor playground we know of]. SU3.11's birthday is next month, so we'll be having a joint friends party next weekend at the park and hopefully we'll see dad again at the end of the month.
SU3.11 is now mostly potty trained, which is a God-send in more than one way... not being potty trained meant that daycare required he stay in the 2 yr old classroom, which was strongly contributing to delays in social and language skills. He moved up this week, and then his new teacher had to go to a funeral, so hopefully he'll get more of a feel for her style next week. Unfortunately, they both need (in both my parental and professional opinion) to go to daycare 3+ mornings a week for therapeutic purposes but the state only pays for daycare if both of us are employed. So we only schedule what fits our budget.
There've been a lot of transitions in the last two weeks, in large part due to the birthday. In SC (I don't know if this is national), there's one therapy service provider for kids ages 0 through 3, and when they turn 3, they test them and release them to a different agency. SU3.025 tested way beyond developmental level - frankly, he's brilliant - and so all of his therapies except one stopped on his birthday. Both boys have suddenly made enormous strides in their skills, finally feeling safe enough to begin to build self-confidence.
We also began taking them to a counselor for play therapy to process trauma, something that the state does not consider necessary for foster children as far as we can tell [can anyone tell me why they have an emotional therapist on staff for adoptable children but not for foster kids??), and also something that Medicaid does not pay for for young children. (They do cover "mental health" but if we're specifically looking for play therapy, it's up to each therapist if they accept it, and none of the ones I can find do.) Play therapy focuses on the therapist or parent (there's a 'do it at home' version, called filial therapy) allowing the child to choose the play, and using the time simply to learn the child's groove. Allow them to do whatever they like, given the toys and environment that you've carefully arranged, and they begin to act out what's inside of them. We've already seen some very concerning patterns in the play for both boys, but part of the (very difficult) process is not drawing any conclusions. It's simply the safe environment to allow them to process. It also exhausts them, so the day of and the day after are usually pretty awful behaviorally.
Finally, we've also been sick. Two weeks ago tonight the stomach flu began, and didn't end until last Friday. We had two days off and SU3.11 started coughing and then spiked a fever on Wednesday night. Now SU3.025 is coughing, though no one went to bed tonight with a fever. The weather's also been wacky, which doesn't help.
Whereas they used to be all one thing or another, now we're a pretty even mix of behaviors edging towards (at least the last few days) good choices. I was able to kick them outside (79 degrees and sunshine!) all morning yesterday and they played nicely while I did laundry and other things. I was really proud of them. So we're getting there.
Please keep praying!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Quick update
I love naptime, and I need one myself so I'll make this quick. We are now in the midst of week 7 with our two boys, whom Lanse has named Small Unit B and Small Unit L. I'm going to adapt that to be SU and their ages, so that everyone can have a better understanding of accomplishments.
Weeks one and two were what we call "the Honeymoon period", although for SU2.10 it was closer to one week long. This is when they eat everything we give them, obey everything we tell them to do, use all their manners every time, and generally aim to please. Once they began to feel comfortable with us and know the routine, the tantrums and testing began. The next couple of weeks involved starting day care, managing screaming and biting, learning what foods they actually don't like, and figuring out why each behavior occurred.
The most frustrating thing for us with young kids who have been through trauma is that there are so many possibilities behind why they do what they do. Are they being a toddler/delayed preschooler in an appropriate "terrible twos" sort of way? Is this an abandonment or lack of attachment rage? Are they truly not understanding our request due to the environment effects and drug exposure from their birth home? Our responses to each of these must be different to some extent, but their behavior in each case is often identical. We've spent the last few weeks coming to know the boys better and learn to identify the causes of their different moods.
Now we are in the midst of what feels like a major change. We took the boys with us to our Thanksgiving family reunion, whereat illness took over SU3.9 for a bit, and they returned different boys. They are affectionate, conversational, they are willing to discuss their feelings and suggest things they can do to let out their anger. SU2.10 is now able to stop himself momentarily mid-rage and change direction to something more healthy. In the last two weeks we have been able to count tantrums per week instead of per day. They have been running joyfully to their day care classroom, and succeeding wonderfully there.
And last, but definitely not least, they have begun to call me Mommy. This makes me a bit uncomfortable, since they have a mommy they remember. But they won't be seeing her and they are at an age where they really need that word to mean something good, so I'm going with the flow. They tried calling Lanse Daddy, but they see their daddy regularly, so now we're trying out "Daddy Lanse", which is catching on.
At this point, we still don't know when they are returning to their dad. We thought last week, then we thought this week, and now we don't know. So we keep on keeping on, managing many appointments and therapies, keeping up in day care, and preparing for Christmas.
Thank you for all your loving support. We continue to covet your prayers!
Weeks one and two were what we call "the Honeymoon period", although for SU2.10 it was closer to one week long. This is when they eat everything we give them, obey everything we tell them to do, use all their manners every time, and generally aim to please. Once they began to feel comfortable with us and know the routine, the tantrums and testing began. The next couple of weeks involved starting day care, managing screaming and biting, learning what foods they actually don't like, and figuring out why each behavior occurred.
The most frustrating thing for us with young kids who have been through trauma is that there are so many possibilities behind why they do what they do. Are they being a toddler/delayed preschooler in an appropriate "terrible twos" sort of way? Is this an abandonment or lack of attachment rage? Are they truly not understanding our request due to the environment effects and drug exposure from their birth home? Our responses to each of these must be different to some extent, but their behavior in each case is often identical. We've spent the last few weeks coming to know the boys better and learn to identify the causes of their different moods.
Now we are in the midst of what feels like a major change. We took the boys with us to our Thanksgiving family reunion, whereat illness took over SU3.9 for a bit, and they returned different boys. They are affectionate, conversational, they are willing to discuss their feelings and suggest things they can do to let out their anger. SU2.10 is now able to stop himself momentarily mid-rage and change direction to something more healthy. In the last two weeks we have been able to count tantrums per week instead of per day. They have been running joyfully to their day care classroom, and succeeding wonderfully there.
And last, but definitely not least, they have begun to call me Mommy. This makes me a bit uncomfortable, since they have a mommy they remember. But they won't be seeing her and they are at an age where they really need that word to mean something good, so I'm going with the flow. They tried calling Lanse Daddy, but they see their daddy regularly, so now we're trying out "Daddy Lanse", which is catching on.
At this point, we still don't know when they are returning to their dad. We thought last week, then we thought this week, and now we don't know. So we keep on keeping on, managing many appointments and therapies, keeping up in day care, and preparing for Christmas.
Thank you for all your loving support. We continue to covet your prayers!
Monday, October 24, 2011
Just a bit busy...
After receiving our foster license in March, we waited around for a while getting depressed and feeling sorry for ourselves. We should have known better, because we now can't wait for a good time to shower or sleep!
Just over a week ago we brought two boys into our home, ages 2 and 3. They're very active kids, and we try to keep up. But thank God that once we get them to settle down, they sleep all night! This is the first time, however, that I've had a chance to sit down at the computer since they arrived. A lot of you are hearing from us on Facebook, but I never replaced my old computer, and I'm doing FB from my smart phone, which is a bit more pain-inducing to blog on.
Anyway, we don't know how long the boys will be with us, and we probably won't get much warning when they leave, but in the meantime we're having a lot of fun getting to know them and helping them meet goals and conquer fears.
They've also helped us identify gaps in our supplies. We have no acceptable outdoor toddler/preschool toys (trike, large bouncy balls, t-ball or kids croquet, that kind of thing). Matching bath toys so we don't have to fight over them in a slippery location. And then there's just basic holes in my supplies like not having any kids' safety scissors or building blocks, despite a large art box and a closet full of toys. So they're being very helpful!
Please continue to pray for us as each cumulative day of not enough sleep and loud demanding voices are wearing us down. Pray that we will wake refreshed and joyful each day and be able to understand what the boys really need when their actions don't reflect it.
Also, please keep in mind that due to the nature of this process we can't discuss their family details or post pictures online. We very much appreciate your continued prayers for the boys' parents as well, and thank you for not pressing for additional details. In our search for support and a shoulder to lean on, we will be freely sharing as much as we are legally able, as long as it is in the boys' best interests.
Just over a week ago we brought two boys into our home, ages 2 and 3. They're very active kids, and we try to keep up. But thank God that once we get them to settle down, they sleep all night! This is the first time, however, that I've had a chance to sit down at the computer since they arrived. A lot of you are hearing from us on Facebook, but I never replaced my old computer, and I'm doing FB from my smart phone, which is a bit more pain-inducing to blog on.
Anyway, we don't know how long the boys will be with us, and we probably won't get much warning when they leave, but in the meantime we're having a lot of fun getting to know them and helping them meet goals and conquer fears.
They've also helped us identify gaps in our supplies. We have no acceptable outdoor toddler/preschool toys (trike, large bouncy balls, t-ball or kids croquet, that kind of thing). Matching bath toys so we don't have to fight over them in a slippery location. And then there's just basic holes in my supplies like not having any kids' safety scissors or building blocks, despite a large art box and a closet full of toys. So they're being very helpful!
Please continue to pray for us as each cumulative day of not enough sleep and loud demanding voices are wearing us down. Pray that we will wake refreshed and joyful each day and be able to understand what the boys really need when their actions don't reflect it.
Also, please keep in mind that due to the nature of this process we can't discuss their family details or post pictures online. We very much appreciate your continued prayers for the boys' parents as well, and thank you for not pressing for additional details. In our search for support and a shoulder to lean on, we will be freely sharing as much as we are legally able, as long as it is in the boys' best interests.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
First arrival
In this case, it's the arrival of our foster license! Our worker called today to say that it's arrived. She will mail it if she can't find a time to bring it over herself. Then we'll (hopefully) get either more information or a call for a kiddo. Hurray!
I've been substitute teaching at the preschool level for the last few weeks, three days a week or so. We've got some pretty tough kids, and it's made me nervous. Please pray that both our worker and we will have wisdom and discernment to accept children into our home that are a perfect match for our abilities and their needs and that He will fill us both with confidence!
Thanks!
I've been substitute teaching at the preschool level for the last few weeks, three days a week or so. We've got some pretty tough kids, and it's made me nervous. Please pray that both our worker and we will have wisdom and discernment to accept children into our home that are a perfect match for our abilities and their needs and that He will fill us both with confidence!
Thanks!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
News?
Our foster care social worker called yesterday asking to meet with us for a home visit, but I had my phone off while I was teaching and missed the call, then I called back and left a message, so I'm waiting to hear back from her. I don't know if it's a regularly scheduled visit or if there's News. In the meantime, we ought to finish installing the gate and I need to tidy up a few different areas that we've been lax about.
That's all that's going on so far. Keep praying!
That's all that's going on so far. Keep praying!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
January foster care meeting
This morning we met with the head of foster care in Dorchester County to work on getting our license. We showed her the house, did some paperwork, talked about our hopes for our child, had a lot of questions answered. Also learned that we have to complete the auto-biography, the 10 page essay question document that the adoption office didn't need us to do for the third time. But apparently, the foster office can't use the home study as a replacement for it, so we have to do it anyway. My hands aren't used to writing so much, and my index finger swelled up a lot by page seven. The swelling's gone down over the last couple of hours, but it's very stiff; I had hoped to be finished writing today so we can send this off tomorrow, but we'll see how much more my finger joints can take.
Thankfully, she was exceptionally optimistic. She seemed to like what she saw, and as we finished up talking about what children we're most interested in parenting, she said, "I've got just the situation in mind!" So either she simply understands what we want, or she's actually got a child somewhere waiting for our license. Either way, it's good to know that there's really hope this way. So we'll see what happens!
We also got details on boring necessities like a breakdown of stipend monies, birthparent visitation, and DSS visitation, the details of which I won't bore you with. If you really want to know them, send me email.
Please continue to pray that the child God has for us is ready, and that He thinks we're ready too... and that He'll make the system move it all along quickly... we're very tired of waiting!
Thankfully, she was exceptionally optimistic. She seemed to like what she saw, and as we finished up talking about what children we're most interested in parenting, she said, "I've got just the situation in mind!" So either she simply understands what we want, or she's actually got a child somewhere waiting for our license. Either way, it's good to know that there's really hope this way. So we'll see what happens!
We also got details on boring necessities like a breakdown of stipend monies, birthparent visitation, and DSS visitation, the details of which I won't bore you with. If you really want to know them, send me email.
Please continue to pray that the child God has for us is ready, and that He thinks we're ready too... and that He'll make the system move it all along quickly... we're very tired of waiting!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Stuff-Gathering
As we intend to be foster parents, but don't know what age or gender our child will be, we're collecting up things as folks offer or we come across good deals. Since I know there's going to be some folks who want, (over the course of holidays or whatnot), to gift us things, I figured a list of stuff we already have - or specifically need - may be helpful. I'll try to keep it updated as we go along.
Clothes:
*Note: clothes may, in many cases, go home with the child so we may need to have a continuous supply in each category. With that in mind, even if we "have some" we may still need some eventually.
Unisex Winter 0-6 mo. - needed
Unisex Winter 6-12 mo. - needed
Unisex Winter 12+ mo. - have some
Girl stuff Winter 0-6 mo. - have some
Girl stuff Winter 6-12 mo. - have someGirl stuff Winter 12+ mo. - have some
Unisex Summer 0-6 mo. - needed
Unisex Summer 6-12 mo. - needed
Unisex Summer 12+ mo. - needed
Girl stuff Summer 0-6 mo. - needed
Girl stuff Summer 6-12 mo. - have some Girl stuff Summer 12+ mo. - have some
*Note - have not sorted past 12 months; will be also needing toddler clothes.
Socks - have some, but mostly pink. Need boy socks.
Onesie extenders - have
Other stuff:
baby swing - have
plastic cups w/ sippy lids - have
car seat newborn-20lbs - needed
car seat 20-40lbs - have
bottles - needed
high chair/booster seat - needed
crib - have
crib sheet sets - have
diapers - needed (we're doing cloth, so I'll post specifics later)
toddler/preschool toys - we have plenty
infant toys - needed
board books - needed
Clothes:
*Note: clothes may, in many cases, go home with the child so we may need to have a continuous supply in each category. With that in mind, even if we "have some" we may still need some eventually.
Unisex Winter 0-6 mo. - needed
Unisex Winter 6-12 mo. - needed
Unisex Winter 12+ mo. - have some
Girl stuff Winter 0-6 mo. - have some
Girl stuff Winter 6-12 mo. - have someGirl stuff Winter 12+ mo. - have some
Unisex Summer 0-6 mo. - needed
Unisex Summer 6-12 mo. - needed
Unisex Summer 12+ mo. - needed
Girl stuff Summer 0-6 mo. - needed
Girl stuff Summer 6-12 mo. - have some Girl stuff Summer 12+ mo. - have some
*Note - have not sorted past 12 months; will be also needing toddler clothes.
Socks - have some, but mostly pink. Need boy socks.
Onesie extenders - have
Other stuff:
baby swing - have
plastic cups w/ sippy lids - have
car seat newborn-20lbs - needed
car seat 20-40lbs - have
bottles - needed
high chair/booster seat - needed
crib - have
crib sheet sets - have
diapers - needed (we're doing cloth, so I'll post specifics later)
toddler/preschool toys - we have plenty
infant toys - needed
board books - needed
Friday, December 10, 2010
We have clearance!
The turn-around was really fabulous on this one. While we were on vacation, we received a call from the CI that the final home study had been submitted on November 26, and the following week we received the official letter with signatures on it stating we are cleared and ready to roll.
Of course, the children we're seeking for adoption are typically not often available, which is why we chose the foster-adoption route this time around. So our files will be sent to the county foster offices eventually (date unspecified) and we'll see what they need. But we're moving forward!
Of course, the children we're seeking for adoption are typically not often available, which is why we chose the foster-adoption route this time around. So our files will be sent to the county foster offices eventually (date unspecified) and we'll see what they need. But we're moving forward!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Recommended Foster Care Reading List
I don't think I've put this here yet, and I keep forgetting to put it in a central place, so here we go.
This is the recommended reading list from experienced foster parents at Foster Care Central.
This is the recommended reading list from experienced foster parents at Foster Care Central.
- A Guide to Foster Parenting: Everything but the Kids! By Mary Ann Goodearle
- The Five Love Languages of Children, By Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell
- Bad Childhood---Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy Childhood, By Dr. Laura Schlessinger
- Parenting Your Out-of-control Child: An Effective, Easy-to-use Program for Teaching Self-control, by George M. Kapalka
- 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior, by Ph.D. Jeffrey Bernstein Ph.D.
- How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (How to Help Your Child), by Adele Faber , Elaine Mazlish
- Fostering a Child's Recovery, by Mike Thomas, Terry Philpot, and Mary Walsh
- Robbie Rabbit's Trail through Foster Care (and the Trail through Adoption) www.robbietherabbit.com [for kids]
- Mulberry Bird (if going through adoption only), by Anne Braff Brodzinsky and Diana L. Stanley [for kids]
- Forever Fingerprints, Maybe Days, by Jennifer Wilgocki (highly recommend) [for kids]
- Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control by Heather Forbes
- Adopting the Hurt Child, by Gregory Keck
- Parenting the Hurt Child, by Gregory Keck
- Telling the Truth to your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past by Betsy Keefer & Jayne Schooler
- Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, by Sherrie Eldridge
- Another Place at the Table, by Kathy Harrison
- Three Little Words, by Ashley Rhodes-Courter
- The Connected Child, by Karyn Purvis, David Cross, and Wendy Sunshine
- Nancy Thomas CDs (audio)
- Amazon.com Foster Parent Reading List
Friday, November 12, 2010
CI Interview II Report
Yesterday the CI called and said she had a cancellation for this morning, so we took it! Speed is always a good thing. She arrived at 8:30 and left a little after 10:00, and the questions weren't as intense as they were on Wednesday. Topics covered today:
So now we wait again. But it sounds like we won't wait very long, at least not with her part. She will write up what she has to write up and submit it to our social worker at the beginning of next week, and call us to let us know she submitted it. Then our social worker will make any corrections and send it back to her, she'll make the changes, resubmit, and call us again. She estimates that process will be done before we travel for the holiday. Then, over our trip, they'll (theoretically) get the paperwork to the county foster office and we'll go from there.
I really have no idea if we'll have a placement right away, but there's potential. We have not yet been assigned a foster care social worker, so we'll have to get connected there and find out what we need to complete the clearance. But if they're as motivated as the CI, we could... maybe... have a child for Christmas. I'm starting to get excited again, but still feeling like I probably shouldn't quite yet.
The CI also asked if we were being foster cleared for multiple counties, which is something that hadn't come up as a possibility. There's apparently a much higher need for foster care in Charleston County, which is not our county, so if we can get multiple clearances, it may help things move more quickly as well. We'll follow up on that when we hear from our social worker.
Again, and always, thank you for your ongoing prayers!
- Child checklist: what behaviors/history/disabilities are we willing/not willing to accept/consider in a child/birth family. While this sounds difficult (and it is) because everything on the list could happen to anyone, the choices need to be made as to what needs, if any, we're simply not physically able or prepared to meet. Not being prepared to deal with basic needs while a child is recovering from trauma is something they'd like to avoid in general. That said, almost everything on the list (as far as behaviors) are developmentally appropriate for the age range we're looking at, so this part wasn't really that complicated.
- Level of comfort/concerns/personal perspectives on continuing birth family/important other people contact
- Finances and Will/future plans for child
- How would you respond if... child/family/public did/said...
- How will you address the concept of adoption/questions/birth family search (when older) with the child
- How will you handle child/adult offering information on trauma/details
- Importance of our faith/plans for child
- Plans for discipline/views of child development
- Plans for daily child care/babysitters/respite providers
So now we wait again. But it sounds like we won't wait very long, at least not with her part. She will write up what she has to write up and submit it to our social worker at the beginning of next week, and call us to let us know she submitted it. Then our social worker will make any corrections and send it back to her, she'll make the changes, resubmit, and call us again. She estimates that process will be done before we travel for the holiday. Then, over our trip, they'll (theoretically) get the paperwork to the county foster office and we'll go from there.
I really have no idea if we'll have a placement right away, but there's potential. We have not yet been assigned a foster care social worker, so we'll have to get connected there and find out what we need to complete the clearance. But if they're as motivated as the CI, we could... maybe... have a child for Christmas. I'm starting to get excited again, but still feeling like I probably shouldn't quite yet.
The CI also asked if we were being foster cleared for multiple counties, which is something that hadn't come up as a possibility. There's apparently a much higher need for foster care in Charleston County, which is not our county, so if we can get multiple clearances, it may help things move more quickly as well. We'll follow up on that when we hear from our social worker.
Again, and always, thank you for your ongoing prayers!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
CI Interview I report
I am exhausted. They say that people's favorite subject to talk about is themselves, but three hours of it in a row with a lot riding on it really takes it out of you. Our CI was very sociable, making it more like a strongly guided conversation and less like an interrogation. She spent some time talking to both of us together, then half an hour or so with Lanse and then with me, and then both together again. Prior to today, people had asked what kind of things she needed to know, so here's some things we talked about:
And now that I've unwound a bit, it's time for some lunch! Thank you all for your ongoing prayers!
- Adoption: why/how so far/reception of family & friends/concerns/hopes
- Parents/brothers/sisters/additional family and their past/work/hobbies and our relationship with them as a child/currently and amount of time we talk to/see them
- Our childhood: hardships/hobbies/ personality/discipline/chores/jobs
- Our formative years/events/hardships/ losses and our methods of coping/healing
- Our marriage/communication/routines/ decisionmaking/changes expected by a child's arrival
- Our/family's health: physical/mental/ emotional and how/why/treatment and how it affects us
And now that I've unwound a bit, it's time for some lunch! Thank you all for your ongoing prayers!
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